That one time a mouse tired to move in without paying rent

We had a mouse. I repeat. We had a mouse. HAD.

A few weeks ago I walked into the garage and saw this shadow out of the corner of my eye. If you know me at all – you know that I have terrible eye sight. In fact, I’m legally blind without corrective lenses so if you see me driving without them – be scared. At any rate – I didn’t saw anything at the time because frankly, I didn’t think Mike would believe his slight crazy, legally blind wife.

The following day – the three of us were walking up the driveway into the garage and Mike saw it. BINGO!! I wasn’t crazy. THERE WAS A MOUSE IN OUR GARAGE. Sophia freaked out. She gets this from my mother – scared of her own damn shadow. Now let’s be clear – it was only in the garage living under the stairs. Had it been in the house – I would have moved. I don’t do vermin in my home.

Mike didn’t want to kill an innocent mouse so we asked our neighbor for help. Mike took the blower and placed it on one side of the stairs effectively blocking one potential exit and leaving only one place for the little guy to get out. When the air pushed him out – our neighbor took a broom and swatted him out of the garage. Well he hit Mike’s foot. I’ve never seen the man do the River Dance but I swear to God he was 30 feet in the air. I’m still kicking myself for not recording this shit on my phone. It was HILARIOUS!!! They ended up losing him in the yard and the dogs chased him across the street.

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Potential Suspect

Well – the little bugger came back. Not even a week late – Mike went go mow the back yard. Due to all the rain it had gotten really long and before he got even a third through he come bolting inside. I asked what the hell was going on and he said he saw a mouse. Said the little shit wasn’t paying rent, told me to go buy traps and one of our dogs out with him for protection. Our 12 pound Yorkie. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Confessions – 4th ed.

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  • Close talkers. I loath close talkers. If I can feel the heat of your nasty ass breath on me – you are too damn close. Back the fuck up! And why is there a need to get that close? I don’t understand it. Just stop.
  • I’m struggling through a book that Mikeย suggested to me. In most cases – I would probably abandon ship and read something else. BUT I know if I don’t finish it he will never talk about books with me again. And I just can’t have that.
  • Sometimes I find being an adult entirely overrated and would give anything to be 10 again with zero responsibilities.
  • I will penny pinch, coupon, nickel and dime but I will never forego my pedicures. A girl has standards.
  • Soft boiled eggs are my new favorite thing!
  • I’m starting to get into the Romance genre. I recently read R.I.L.Y Forever by Norah Bennett and it ROCKED! If you haven’t grabbed ย your copy – you need to read it. But what Romance authors or books do you really like? Just curious.
  • We are having several rooms in the house painted. Theyย needย it! But in all honesty – I don’t want to invest more in this house. I just want to buy a new house. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I don’t think that’s in the cards for us… at least not for another three-ish years. Until then…
  • My Sophia broke her hand and we had to make tough parenting decisions about her going to gymnastics camp… well NOT going to gymnastics camp actually. Sometimes being a parent kind of stinks.
  • I drop my phone on my face sometimes – okay a lot – when I’m in bed. There – I admitted it. Abby from Twist Me Pretty (check out her blog – I adore her!) snapped this thing she was using called a Pop Socket. LIFE CHANGING!! I bought one and a clip for my car and it’s amazing. I got mine on Amazon but I think you get more options from their website. Check ’em out here!
  • School starts soon and we will have a big 5th grader! I’m excited for Soph! But completely and entirely dreading back to school shopping. I hate the mall. Everything about it. Ugh. Maybe I can teach her the perks of online shopping. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • We weren’t able to take a vacation this summer. No vacation till November. OMG. I might die between now and then. I DON’T THINK I AM GOING TO MAKE IT!!!

 

These are my confessions.

Confessions โ€“ 3rd ed.

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  • When I buy anything for myself, I have major guilt about it and instantly want to return it. Even if it I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It’s as if I don’t deserve what I bought.
  • I will have a 10-year-old on May 20th. OMG. This also means I will have been a parent for 1/3 of my entire life. Honestly, I think I deserve a damn party.
  • I did a major closet purge. And I then bought some much-needed clothes.
  • There are days I want to do nothing but watch Law & Order SVU reruns and eat ice cream…allllll day loooong.
  • When I’m in the car by myself I usual drive in complete silence. OR jam to Arabic music. One extreme or the other. Usually silence though.
  • I keep the house as a crisp 68 degrees. Which means as of late when the temperature as been dropping as night I wake up to it being about 64 in the house. If you come visit – wear a parka!
  • Fairly certain that I could eat Five Guys or Chipotle every day and be totally fine with it.
  • Writing in my planner gives me joy.
  • Browsing for books, buying books and adding to my eBook collection is one of my hobbies.
  • I enjoy shopping for office supplies more than clothes. They are one size fits all.

 

These are my confessions.

Don’t guilt me.

I get it. I’m a bad mom. I work full time, I don’t attend every gymnastics practice, I’m not on the PTO, I rarely if ever volunteer at school, I don’t go to church often if ever, I cuss like a fucking sailor, I like my Lady and Diet, I’m not a super fit mom and I lose my temper. I am a bad mom. I get it. You judge me for the way I talk to my daughter like a human being, a young adult instead of belittling her like a 4-year-old. You judge me for not watching my language, for my crazy hair and casual appearance. You judge me for small house, my old car, hell even my mixed family. Admit it – you judge the shit out of me.

It’s okay. I judge the shit out of you too. So we’re even. But don’t – don’t you dare guilt me. Don’t try to make me feel bad for not going to church every weekend or not attending every gymnastics practice. You don’t know me. You have no idea what is happening in my life. You don’t know that sometimes I have to convince myself to get up in the morning, to work through the depression and overwhelming anxiety and push through to be a functioning parent and wife. To find the energy to make a home cooked meal most nights, to study with my kid at night and drive to BFE for the next gymnastics meet, socialize with people when I don’t want to and drive all the way home in the same day. Or to do simple things like laundry, dishes, even getting the mail sometimes seems like a daunting task. So don’t you sit on your PTO pulpit and give me dirty looks for bring in store-bought goods for the class party or not sitting outside on the weekends to gabย with the entire neighborhood because I would rather sit in the dark, alone in my room. Do not make me feel bad for not attending every baby shower, birthday, wedding, or party for your mom’s dog’s brother’s friend named Bob becauseย I’m struggling with myselfย and don’t want to be around other people. DO NOT. DO NOT GUILT ME. EVER.

 

Long live the Elf!

It’s Elf on the Shelf season. I know that most parents dread this since it’s really more work for them but I LOVE it! Our elf’s name is Simon and he’s always full of new surprises.

Sophia is 9.5 and has the memory of an elephant. She literally remembers every single thing that Simon has ever done. We are constantly searching for new ideas and find that “Oh we’ve done that” is the common theme. BUT since she’s older – Simon gets to be more sneaky/funย than ever. Bwahahaha!

Best of all – Sophia is terrified Simon will provide a bad report to Santa so during elf season she is on her best behavior. As in, I woke up this morning and she asked if there were any chores she could do… as she was folding her laundry. YES. You read that correctly. Volunteered for chores AND folding her laundry….WITHOUT being threatened to do it. HOLY SHIT! As parents it’s our duty to take advantage of this gift and manipulate our children to do what we want. Right? If you need help in this area I strongly advise referencing Baby Sideburns – How to PROPERLY use your Elf on the Shelf. She’s got brilliant ideas!

Here’s what Simon has been up to:

*Follow me on Instagram to keep up with Simon’s shenanigans.*

So yes – I’m the exception and love elf season but can you blame me? ย Parents everywhere should revel in this time of behavioral bliss from our children and take advantage of these few weeks. Oh and be sure manipulate the shit out of our children to get what we want for a short period of time.

LONG LIVE THE ELF!!!!ย