Jolene

I recently found a true love for Country music. I know I know. And I even went Nashville for a girls trip. The Grande Ole Opry was my favorite! Dolly is my girl. ❤

Have you ever listened to Dolly’s lyrics to Jolene? Like actually listened? She’s begging this other woman – arguably a home wreaker – to not steal her man. Explaining that she gets that Jolene is way more beautiful but she’d never find love again if Jolene took away her man. While a great song – easily one of my favs from Dolly – it’s kind of sad when you think about it.

I had a Jolene once.

I felt where Dolly was coming from at one point. I pleaded internally with my Jolene night after night, as I laid there alone. But then one day this switch flipped in me. I distinctly remember it. I hated her. Loathed every fiber of her being. I was jealous of her. She stole the heart of the man I was married to. How could she?! She ruined my life!!! Or did she? Then I felt bad for her. What if she didn’t know any better? I know of her but did she know of me? What if she was just a girl who fell for the wrong guy? I understood that. Same girl, same.

I went through all the feelings towards Jolene. Literally all. And after I had gone through all the stages of grief, got help, faced some of my demons, rode some emotional roller coasters, and did all the things…I realized I might owe Jolene a thank you. She might have done me a favor. I know you’re thinking what in the actual hell is wrong with you Sarah but hear me out.

I won’t reach out to Jolene. But here is the letter she’ll never get:

Dear Jolene,
I suppose it’s odd that I am writing you this letter. You may know who I am though at this time I am not entirely sure that’s relevant anymore.

I wanted to reach out and say thank you. A while ago, you forced me to really look at my life and see how broken things were. You made me face reality and facts that I probably knew were true but didn’t want to come to terms with. Thank you for that push. Because of you I had to be stronger than I ever thought possible and stand up for myself. I’m now mentally, emotionally and physically healthier and in a better place. I can be a better mom to my kid and that means a lot to me. You contributed to that. And for that, I owe you gratitude.

There is a lot of ugly in this world and I believe what you put into it you receive back. Blessings. Juju. Karma. Whatever it maybe. I wish you nothing but the best.

Regards,

Sarah

d.s.w.

A friendship like no other. There’s no way to explain it and they will never understand that we just get one another.

We are family. Literally. We have a bond that runs deep. Beyond blood, on a soul level, this connectivity.

We are each other’s safe place. There is no judgment, only acceptance. There is never anger, only love.

I can always be just me. And you can always be just you. No need for masks or fake shit. Just us. Authentic and true.

We share a love of so many things and share with each other the new. If it brings me joy, I want it to bring you joy too.

Oceans apart but that doesn’t matter. We make it a point to stay in touch and have calls that last for hours.

I miss your face. Daily. And can’t wait until we are physically in the same room. Until then know that I love you, damn it. All the way to the moon.

Small – Part II

You still try to make me feel small
Every time you show up, text or call

Thinking you can tell me what to do
But I no longer have to listen to you

You say things to mess with my head
Act like you never heard the words that I said

I continue to try and remain polite
But you’re conniving and always picking a fight

You have no respect for my home or my things
Always trying to push my buttons and pull my strings

You’re no different than a school yard bully
Except I stupidly thought you were an adult and could act maturely

But I won’t tolerate it anymore
I kicked you out and changed the locks on the door

I will no longer be made to feel small
I might be short in stature but I still stand tall

Divorced

I’m officially divorced
A statement I can finally say with no remorse

It took me a while to get here
A rollercoaster of emotions – anger, sadness, denial, acceptance, and fear

And though not my choice when this all began
I decided to see this through and make a plan

After all the heartbreak, headaches and hell
I’m free, all of me, down to my last blood cell

I’m not dying so there is no need to pity or to call and inquire
This chapter is finished, I’m lighting that shit up and having a bonfire

I’m fine, in fact I’m better than okay
Today I got divorced, this is my liberation day

Lonely

I‘m lonely
Missing that feeling of someone holding me closely

Listen, I’m very independent and capable
Oh what I would give, though, to find my true partner, with that bond, so unshakable
Needing them when I just can’t give it my all
Ever understanding of my long list of shortfalls
Looking around me, realizing this is merely a hopeless desire
Yet pleading with my maker nightly to help make this transpire

Goodbye

You walked away a while ago
Threw your ring on the the floor
Stopped loving me
Hardly came home anymore

And it took me a long time to face facts
So many truths to uncover
That you had moved on
Fell in love with another

Now it’s time for you to leave
And you’re dragging your feet
Told me you wanted a divorce
Then took a back seat

I was more than patient with you
Ridiculously generous with time
You gave me your word
Clearly, it wasn’t worth a dime

And yes, it’s the end of what was
You could say it’s almost bittersweet
Learned a lot of lessons
One, I won’t live with a cheat

So it’s time for you to move out
I’ll help you pack
You chose this, remember
So there is no turning back