I’ve been working on establishing my own space lately. Both figuratively and literally. Like really making it my own. I’ve been very deliberate in this process, as I’m in a renaissance. And I’m being choosy. In all things.
Lately I’ve been working on my home office (since apparently I’ll be working from home indefinitely) and I stumbled upon some of my old stuff. Found my original Gameboy with Tetris. It’s fully functional and for the record – I still think it’s the best game ever. The music is just as awesome as I remember. Oh and I still kick ass. I also found a few old sketch books. Funny to see how my doodles have evolved some. Not much but some. And even how Soph and I are into drawing the same things at similar ages.
I also came across some of my poems. Like from almost 20 years ago. 😲 Woah. Let me just say. Y’all think I’m a head case now?! You don’t even know the half of it. Some of that shit was dark and some of it was just straight crazy. I might get brave and share a few. Might. Crazy to take a small peek back at life before bills, responsibilities, motherhood, etc. You know when we were young, carefree and well rested. Feels like an entirely different universe…
But setting up my own space has been really good for me. Liberating, insightful, cleansing…all the things. And I’m learning about myself. It seems in the years past, I’ve manage to lose myself. And worst of all, I didn’t even know it till recently. How does that even happen?! Who does that to themselves? Sigh. But I digress.
Now, I’m working on finding me all over again. It’s all a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.
I am unwanted Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted
Undesirable to all of the opposite sex No one special and someone everyone forgets Was once considered very intriguing And is now not even remotely appealing Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely
At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.
Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.
Why do I act like that? Why am I so stupid? Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much! What’s with your hair? Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!
After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?
But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)
It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.
You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…
It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.
And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.
To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.
But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.