Caution

Everything she touches dies
Life with her is not sustainable, that’s no surprise

She’s completely toxic
All things with her are catastrophic

She leaves destruction in her path
Sadness, anger, dissatisfaction always part of the aftermath

Honestly, poison would be a better option
At least you could take some sort of precaution

Approach at your own risk, you’ve been warned
So when she ruins you too, don’t act all misinformed

PhD

I have a doctorate in loneliness
An education I recently acquiesced

Originally not a choice I made
But for my freedom it was the price I paid

Before I knew it the isolation took over
And I wasn’t ready for this level of overexposure

I didn’t know what this lesson in loneliness would require
Turns out it would be baptism by fire

Now, the silence no longer swallows me
Instead it knows all of my idiosyncrasies

I’m no longer uncomfortable here
Or scared if I stay too long I will disappear

Today, it’s okay if I’m alone
No longer need company on the telephone

Learning to embrace solitude was harder than I ever could have known
The culmination of all my studies, my capstone

For no one knows what tomorrow will bring
But I’m smarter, stronger now, ready for anything

Unwanted

I am unwanted
Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted

Undesirable to all of the opposite sex
No one special and someone everyone forgets
Was once considered very intriguing
And is now not even remotely appealing
Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial
Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial
Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly
Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely

Feelings

At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.

Mirror

Tossing turning
Can’t shake the feeling
All of a sudden I’m looking in the mirror
And it’s my face I’m peeling

Flesh in my hands
And I can’t understand why
But I have no control
Can’t speak, I’m tongue tied

I have no idea where I am
It’s eerily familiar as I look around
I swear I just heard a whisper
And there is blood on the ground

The mirror is cracked
My reflection is what I should see
But someone’s on the other side
Starring back at me

She’s smiling
Radiating joy, evil as could be
Pleased with the work she’s finished
Exposing fruit from the poisonous tree

Confessions – 10th ed. – Special edition!

If you’re new to these parts – I like to confess shit. Just say things that the bloggy-verse that I probably should say in actual confession [or to no one at all]. But you know – relieve the burden of carrying it around in my head. And I’m aging so I only have so much head space to spare.

This is a special confessions edition, specific on mental health since May was Mental Health Awareness Month. Yeah I’m late – but shit happens. And no I am not going to lecture you but rather confess some [very hard] truths about my mental health in hopes you might confess or face some hard truths about your own or someone you know. Regardless, know that it’s real, it can be very scary and very lonely and it should always be taken seriously.

So lets confess some shit…

  • I have chronic depression and anxiety disorder. And I am heavily medicated.
  • I have good days and bad days. Peaks and valleys.
  • My depression began in middle school (about 6th grade) and anxiety kicked into high gear in high school. I don’t recall anytime since then that I’ve not had either in my life.
  • In my family – mental health anything was frowned upon. You were depressed? You were supposed to get over it. You had anxiety? You were told to stop being anxious. Period.
  • I once went off my meds cold turkey. Serotonin withdrawal is awful. NOT RECOMMENDED.
  • My depression has taken many forms over the years. From nights planning my death and calling the Suicide Lifeline (1-800-273-8255, just in case you need it) to cutting, pill taking, hiding my home or just not being able to fully function.
  • My anxiety has also surfaced in many forms over the years. Panic attacks that would send me to the ER with a heart rate into the 180s+, blackouts where I’d wake up really disoriented and not know who/where/what the hell was going on for about 30 mins, dizziness, blurred vision, the shakes, and so on.
  • When Mike and I started dating- my panic attacks slowed down dramatically.
  • I have eczema and pick at it when I’m stressed or down or just want to hurt, to feel something. My arms are scared and most of the time I don’t care to show them.
  • I have two main outlets to deal with life – writing and reading.
  • I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood journals were destroyed by my mother (a post for another time). But I’ve always kept a journal and always will.
  • I read to escape into new places, take new adventures, solve new mysteries. To get out of my own head for a while. This is part of the reason I needed a library in my home.
  • Working out is starting to become a new outlet. SHOCKING FOR ME, I KNOW!!! But I think it’s because I pushing myself. I’m also in the renaissance!
  • Sometimes I’m entirely nonfunctional. I feel like an awful human being. And I hate that my kid is now old enough know something is wrong.
  • I’ve found some comfort in other people who understand. I often seek refuge in the words of Jenny Lawson, my favorite blogger and author. She gets that’s depression lies and darkness is real. She saves me.

These are my [mental health] confessions.