My brain is broken

I’m happy. But I’m broken. My brain is broken. It’s telling me I’m not happy, that I am not okay. Because that is what depression does. Depression lies. It tells you awful things and then convinces you they are facts. It makes you see and feel things that are sometimes not there. It’s evil. And it’s best friend is anxiety. They show up uninvited and ruin everything. Trust me, I know. I’ve been bullied by them for decades.

Truthfully – I’m in a down cycle. Things are dark in my space right now. I’m unmotivated despite having all the lists of things to do and you guys know I know love lists. My face is a leaky mess of tears and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m lethargic and could sleep for days if it was allowed. I get up and attempt to go through the motions because I’m a single mom and I have to. But I’m just blah. If that makes sense.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot of things about dealing with my depression and anxiety. I’ve learned to watch for signs in myself that things are taking a turn for the worse. It’s taken me a long time to recognize those things but being able to know now what they look and feel like has helped a lot. This time around my therapist has me trying something new. I think the gist is around writing out my emotions – anger, fear, guilt and sadness – and seeing how they relate to anything unresolved. Then finding any unreasonable expectations I may have for myself and flipping that expectation around. I’ll report back on my thoughts.

I’ve been in dark valleys before but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I never know how long they will last or how hard they will be to get through. I’m just focused on the things I do know to be true.

This is temporary. You’ve lived through this before and you will make it through this again.

There is light on the other side.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Give yourself grace.

You are so loved.

Depression lies.

The other night I was reading in bed – that’s what us bibliophiles do – and I came across something that at that very moment I needed. I’m reading Broken (in the best way possible) by Jenny Lawson* and she was writing about tools that have helped her with her mental health and she said:

Forgive yourself. Forgiveness – something I never considered.

*Side note: Go out right now and buy all the Jenny Lawson books and read them. She’s amazing. She’s legit saved me. She’s my hero.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry.
For saying all the things.
For oversharing my thoughts.
For being in my feelings sometimes.
For over communicating.
For being too forward and too honest.
For caring too much.
For loving too hard.
For wanting things that aren’t mine.
For wishing things I’m unworthy of.
For being stubborn.
For being sassy.
For giving my unsolicited opinion from time to time.
For being indecisive.
For being a total head case.
For having anxiety and depression.
For having this body and body image issues.
For crying too easily.
For playing with my hair too much.
For having a foul mouth.
For not being someone else.
I’m sorry for just being me.
I’m sorry.

Unfiltered

Unusual to find a picture of just me
Never confident enough to for people to see
Filters used to make all the corrections
Important to fix my many imperfections
Longing to feel comfortable in my own skin
To feel beautiful on the outside and deep within
Everyday seeking some form of approval
Realizing slowly that self love is more crucial
Eventually I’ll show just me, bit by bit
Determined to be a girl that owns her own shit

Small – Part II

You still try to make me feel small
Every time you show up, text or call

Thinking you can tell me what to do
But I no longer have to listen to you

You say things to mess with my head
Act like you never heard the words that I said

I continue to try and remain polite
But you’re conniving and always picking a fight

You have no respect for my home or my things
Always trying to push my buttons and pull my strings

You’re no different than a school yard bully
Except I stupidly thought you were an adult and could act maturely

But I won’t tolerate it anymore
I kicked you out and changed the locks on the door

I will no longer be made to feel small
I might be short in stature but I still stand tall

Autumn

🍂It’s officially Autumn
Truly my thrive season
When I’m no longer at rock bottom

It’s when the leaves begin to turn
Mums are brought out🍃
And everything is warm shades of gold and auburn

The temperature begins to drop
The days of Birkenstocks and sweatshirts
🍁And lattes from your favorite coffee shop

It’s the time of apple picking and eating🍂
Everything pumpkin
And kids out trick-or-treating

When you sit by the bonfire and pass moonshine
🍃Tell hilarious stories with friends
And the s’mores made are always top of the line

Sweater weather is truly when I’m at my best
My peak season
When I’m just ridiculously happy and incredibly blessed🍁

Sunshine

Sunshine
Warm, bright and pure
Often taken for granted
The solution, the remedy, the cure

Warmth
To my skin, heart and soul
Healing all the pain
From where life takes it’s toll

Bright
Shedding light on all my scars
Revealing the hurt I hide within
Setting me free, like a shuttle to the stars

Sunshine
That wonderful golden hue
The answer to all my troubles
Always there to see me through