PhD

I have a doctorate in loneliness
An education I recently acquiesced

Originally not a choice I made
But for my freedom it was the price I paid

Before I knew it the isolation took over
And I wasn’t ready for this level of overexposure

I didn’t know what this lesson in loneliness would require
Turns out it would be baptism by fire

Now, the silence no longer swallows me
Instead it knows all of my idiosyncrasies

I’m no longer uncomfortable here
Or scared if I stay too long I will disappear

Today, it’s okay if I’m alone
No longer need company on the telephone

Learning to embrace solitude was harder than I ever could have known
The culmination of all my studies, my capstone

For no one knows what tomorrow will bring
But I’m smarter, stronger now, ready for anything

Unwanted

I am unwanted
Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted

Undesirable to all of the opposite sex
No one special and someone everyone forgets
Was once considered very intriguing
And is now not even remotely appealing
Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial
Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial
Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly
Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely

depression lies

it’s hard to breathe air
your lungs barely work
the weight on your chest is too much to bear
you’re on the inside going berserk

you can hardly move a step
your body just feels so heavy
no matter your efforts, you barely schlep
clunk around like a rusty ‘86 Chevy

sometimes you shake
can’t control the tremor
or get vomit inducing headaches
people avoid you like you’re a leper

you’re surrounded by darkness
despite always trying to live in the light
it swallows you whole, regardless
you try to oppose it with allll your might

it tries so hard to control you
and most days it succeeds
but one day you will push through
battle scars guaranteed

because on that day you remember
depression lies

Broken

I am broken
Made to feel inferior by your constant provoking

Beaten by your words, defeated by your actions
Ruined myself confidence with your dissatisfaction
Overly critical of all that I do
Keen to berate and rip me in two
Every discussion, I’m wrong and you’re right
Never realizing you brought me so much pain, night after night

Small

You make me feel small
Like I don’t matter at all

I try to speak up, to use my voice
But screaming is often your method of choice

I try to stand tall and hold my ground
But you tower over me and push me around

You get so close up and in my face
Invading all my personal space

To you, I’m simply dismissible
I don’t matter and am completely invisible

You make me feel small
And one day, that will be your biggest downfall

Confessions – 10th ed. – Special edition!

If you’re new to these parts – I like to confess shit. Just say things that the bloggy-verse that I probably should say in actual confession [or to no one at all]. But you know – relieve the burden of carrying it around in my head. And I’m aging so I only have so much head space to spare.

This is a special confessions edition, specific on mental health since May was Mental Health Awareness Month. Yeah I’m late – but shit happens. And no I am not going to lecture you but rather confess some [very hard] truths about my mental health in hopes you might confess or face some hard truths about your own or someone you know. Regardless, know that it’s real, it can be very scary and very lonely and it should always be taken seriously.

So lets confess some shit…

  • I have chronic depression and anxiety disorder. And I am heavily medicated.
  • I have good days and bad days. Peaks and valleys.
  • My depression began in middle school (about 6th grade) and anxiety kicked into high gear in high school. I don’t recall anytime since then that I’ve not had either in my life.
  • In my family – mental health anything was frowned upon. You were depressed? You were supposed to get over it. You had anxiety? You were told to stop being anxious. Period.
  • I once went off my meds cold turkey. Serotonin withdrawal is awful. NOT RECOMMENDED.
  • My depression has taken many forms over the years. From nights planning my death and calling the Suicide Lifeline (1-800-273-8255, just in case you need it) to cutting, pill taking, hiding my home or just not being able to fully function.
  • My anxiety has also surfaced in many forms over the years. Panic attacks that would send me to the ER with a heart rate into the 180s+, blackouts where I’d wake up really disoriented and not know who/where/what the hell was going on for about 30 mins, dizziness, blurred vision, the shakes, and so on.
  • When Mike and I started dating- my panic attacks slowed down dramatically.
  • I have eczema and pick at it when I’m stressed or down or just want to hurt, to feel something. My arms are scared and most of the time I don’t care to show them.
  • I have two main outlets to deal with life – writing and reading.
  • I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood journals were destroyed by my mother (a post for another time). But I’ve always kept a journal and always will.
  • I read to escape into new places, take new adventures, solve new mysteries. To get out of my own head for a while. This is part of the reason I needed a library in my home.
  • Working out is starting to become a new outlet. SHOCKING FOR ME, I KNOW!!! But I think it’s because I pushing myself. I’m also in the renaissance!
  • Sometimes I’m entirely nonfunctional. I feel like an awful human being. And I hate that my kid is now old enough know something is wrong.
  • I’ve found some comfort in other people who understand. I often seek refuge in the words of Jenny Lawson, my favorite blogger and author. She gets that’s depression lies and darkness is real. She saves me.

These are my [mental health] confessions.