At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.

Holy TEN YEARS Batman!

My husband and I have been married for ten years! TEN YEARS! Holy shit! I know, right? We celebrated our anniversary on Thursday and it was perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing about it. πŸ™‚ He posted the sweetest message online that made me sob:

Screen Shot 2015-12-19 at 8.15.05 PMMike and I got married young and while I think most people thought we were nuts I wouldn’t do a single thing differently. This adventure has been amazing but boy have we learned A LOT! So.. I thought I would share a few {non-traditional} lessons learned to all you kids out there wading through marriage.

  1. In order to be a good but effective wife – make him think he’s calling the shots. Key word:Β think.Β 
    • Note from Mike: This is definitely not how it works.
  2. They say that couples that pray together, stay together. That’s true. But I would also say that couples that shoot together, stay together. πŸ™‚
  3. If you are genuinely committed to one another – it doesn’t matter if you go to bed pissed as hell because you know you love each other to death. You’re just both stubborn as shit and passionate as hell.
  4. Sometimes the in laws cause problems and it’s best to just avoid them for a while….on both sides.
  5. Just because you’re married {and have kids} doesn’t mean you aren’t still dating. Keep the it up! Go out, live a little.
  6. Eat well, drink well and do it together. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s true but I’m a big girl and the same applies to me! I don’t know many women who would turn down a delicious meal. Just saying.
  7. Have a king sized bed (minimum). Snuggling is overrated. Sleep is important and if you don’t have enough room to get good sleep than you’re fucked.
  8. Talk. Sometimes you get too much into the routine of the week that you forget to do things like talk. Talk about your day, your passions, things that motivate you. Talk about your goals – personally, professionally, couple goals, family goals. Make sure you know what the other is working to and help work together towards something.
  9. Make new traditions as a couple and family. While bringing each of your childhood traditions to your household is nice – starting new ones is even better.
  10. Friends are important. Make sure you have them as a couple and individually. They help you reflect on the the good times, are there for the tough times too and always make new memories easy. We are lucky to have some pretty bad ass friends. πŸ™‚