I’m sorry.
For saying all the things.
For oversharing my thoughts.
For being in my feelings sometimes.
For over communicating.
For being too forward and too honest.
For caring too much.
For loving too hard.
For wanting things that aren’t mine.
For wishing things I’m unworthy of.
For being stubborn.
For being sassy.
For giving my unsolicited opinion from time to time.
For being indecisive.
For being a total head case.
For having anxiety and depression.
For having this body and body image issues.
For crying too easily.
For playing with my hair too much.
For having a foul mouth.
For not being someone else.
I’m sorry for just being me.
I’m sorry.
Tag: hurt
Goodbye
You walked away a while ago
Threw your ring on the the floor
Stopped loving me
Hardly came home anymore
And it took me a long time to face facts
So many truths to uncover
That you had moved on
Fell in love with another
Now it’s time for you to leave
And you’re dragging your feet
Told me you wanted a divorce
Then took a back seat
I was more than patient with you
Ridiculously generous with time
You gave me your word
Clearly, it wasn’t worth a dime
And yes, it’s the end of what was
You could say it’s almost bittersweet
Learned a lot of lessons
One, I won’t live with a cheat
So it’s time for you to move out
I’ll help you pack
You chose this, remember
So there is no turning back
Widow
He’s burying her
In his thoughts and memories
Of what was and used to be
He’s mourning her
Feeling the loss so deep
Reaching across to the void where she used to sleep
He’s grieving for her
In his own way, the only way he knows
Hiding inside himself, covering pain but remaining composed
He’s cried for her
Let out all the hurt and sobbed through the ache
Washing away his guilt, for it was she, he forsake
He’s eulogized her
Reminisced of the times they shared
But now he’s alone, starting over and scared
He’s buried her
Finally laid her to rest
He’ll try to forget her but his efforts will be fruitless
Unwanted
I am unwanted
Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted
Undesirable to all of the opposite sex
No one special and someone everyone forgets
Was once considered very intriguing
And is now not even remotely appealing
Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial
Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial
Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly
Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely
Feelings
At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.
Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.
Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!
After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?
But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)
It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.
You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…
It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.
And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.
To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.
But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.
For out of the ashes, we rise.
Broken
I am broken
Made to feel inferior by your constant provoking
Beaten by your words, defeated by your actions
Ruined myself confidence with your dissatisfaction
Overly critical of all that I do
Keen to berate and rip me in two
Every discussion, I’m wrong and you’re right
Never realizing you brought me so much pain, night after night
the bluntest blog 