Confessions – 13th ed.

Hi. Welcome to another edition of my confessions. It’s been a minute since I spilled my guts so this might be a longer list than usual.

If you’re new here – save yourself! I mean, welcome! I have a condition known as word vomit where I have a bad habit of speaking the truth. Too often. It’s side effects include bull shit intolerance and loss of friendships. Also, emotional eating and sudden death. But it’s fine. Anyway, every now and then I opt to just confess on Al Gore’s internet because why the hell not.

  • So I’m finding that a global pandemic is a solid excuse for canceling plans or having to reschedule appointments/meetings. They really cannot get mad at you.
  • I am an overthinking, over analyzing crazy bitch. Yes. I know this about myself and I do it anyway. Pretty sure it’s a form of self destruction.
  • Lyrics, like quotes, carry a lot of meaning for me.
  • I’m addicted to Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups and I hide them from my kid because while sharing is caring – that rule does not apply to mama’s chocolate. Haven’t had them? Go. Now. Go right now and get some. I can wait….
  • I’m low key jealous of those houses in the neighborhood that are perfectly gingerbreaded with Christmas lights. One day I’ll be independently wealthy and will just have extra money laying about to have this done for me. Until then, I will drive by in awe of other people’s perfectly lit homes. Nevermind. Who am I kidding? I will NEVER have hoards of money to spend on something like that. I guess I’ll just be forever butthurt.
  • Occasionally, it sounds like someone is walking on the second floor of the house when we are all downstairs. (I KNOW I KNOW – I SAGED AND EVERYTHING!!!!) It could be the wind since this house has drafty ass windows. But I have convinced myself that this is just my fairy godmother checking in. She’s a little thick, so she’s not as light in her feet.
  • I have over 150 items in my Amazon saved for later cart. It’s a problem.
  • For Thanksgiving this year – I found myself thankful for things like alone time, masks, my divorce, having particular people in my life this year….in addition to the usual stuff like family and good health.
  • There are at least three more tattoos in my future. And I’m super excited about it!
  • Holiday foods I cannot condone: whipped mashed potatoes (where the fuck are the lumps, yo?!), canned cranberry anything, stuffing or dressing (whatever you call it), eggnog (*gags*), and fruitcake (I would actually rather be put down).
  • I love the Amazon man. He’s essentially my boyfriend. He comes to see me regularly and he brings me things.
  • I am a sucker for a Buzzfeed list. “58 Fancy But Inexpensive Gifts For Everyone On Your List” or “3984 Things You Didn’t Know You Needed But Totally Do” or “38 Books to Read If You Loved Harry Potter” or “47 Things For the Geek In Your Life”…you get the idea. I’m the person who goes through them, the person who adds that shit to their wish list on Amazon, the person who is like,”shut the front door, I do need that.” This is like the virtual Target Dollar Bin for me.
  • Wrapping presents is a hobby of mine. You hate it? Totally fine. Bring me yours and I’ll wrap them for you. I LOVE TO WRAP!

These are my confessions.

I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day but here is a list of acceptable gifts…JUST IN CASE.

I think Valentine’s Day is bull shit. If you care deeply or love someone shouldn’t you show that love all year round? Seems insane to me that we dedicate one day to buy overpriced roses, go out to eat with a bazillion other people and declare our undying affections for one another. On the off-chance my spouse is reading this: Hi Mikey! I love you 365 days and like you most days. xoxo

However, inevitably social pressures get the best of us and we cave, scrambling last-minute to find a box of chocolates and a reservation somewhere before 10PM. Despite my disdain for this Hallmark holiday, here is a list of Valentine’s Day gifts I find acceptable.

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Unicorn Light Up Slippers – Amazon

Fluffy unicorn slippers that light up – essentially every girls dream.

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Drivemocion LED Car Sign – ThinkGeek

Sixteen messages or faces to help express my road rage?! What more could a girl ask for?

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Whiskey and Rum Making Kit – uncommongoods

No explanation needed.

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Emergency Clown Nose – uncommongoods

Because honestly – life is too much sometimes or we just take shit way to seriously. We ALL need Emergency Clown Noses. Everyone. Frankly, I think the world would be a better place

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Pokemon Inspired Earring Gift Set – CloudNineDreams

Stud earrings are a must and these cuties are a necessity. I would ROCK those little Squirtles!

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Taco Magnetic Bookmark – craftedvan

Books are amazing. They take you to an entirely new place. But what good is a book if you can’t remember where you left off? This etsy vendor makes the coolest bookmarks! However, I am partial to the jumbo taco because duh. Books + tacos = HEAVEN.

There you have it – a list acceptable Valentine’s Day gifts that any totally awesome person would graciously accept. AND most of them are completely affordable. There is no need to get into a financial conundrum over a stupid holiday.

So, what do you want for Valentine’s Day?