Warm, bright and pure
Often taken for granted
The solution, the remedy, the cure
To my skin, heart and soul
Healing all the pain
From where life takes it’s toll
Shedding light on all my scars
Revealing the hurt I hide within
Setting me free, like a shuttle to the stars
That wonderful golden hue
The answer to all my troubles
Always there to see me through
I’ve been working on establishing my own space lately. Both figuratively and literally. Like really making it my own. I’ve been very deliberate in this process, as I’m in a renaissance. And I’m being choosy. In all things.
Lately I’ve been working on my home office (since apparently I’ll be working from home indefinitely) and I stumbled upon some of my old stuff. Found my original Gameboy with Tetris. It’s fully functional and for the record – I still think it’s the best game ever. The music is just as awesome as I remember. Oh and I still kick ass. I also found a few old sketch books. Funny to see how my doodles have evolved some. Not much but some. And even how Soph and I are into drawing the same things at similar ages.
I also came across some of my poems. Like from almost 20 years ago. 😲 Woah. Let me just say. Y’all think I’m a head case now?! You don’t even know the half of it. Some of that shit was dark and some of it was just straight crazy. I might get brave and share a few. Might. Crazy to take a small peek back at life before bills, responsibilities, motherhood, etc. You know when we were young, carefree and well rested. Feels like an entirely different universe…
But setting up my own space has been really good for me. Liberating, insightful, cleansing…all the things. And I’m learning about myself. It seems in the years past, I’ve manage to lose myself. And worst of all, I didn’t even know it till recently. How does that even happen?! Who does that to themselves? Sigh. But I digress.
Now, I’m working on finding me all over again. It’s all a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.
You walked away a while ago
Threw your ring on the the floor
Stopped loving me
Hardly came home anymore
And it took me a long time to face facts
So many truths to uncover
That you had moved on
Fell in love with another
Now it’s time for you to leave
And you’re dragging your feet
Told me you wanted a divorce
Then took a back seat
I was more than patient with you
Ridiculously generous with time
You gave me your word
Clearly, it wasn’t worth a dime
And yes, it’s the end of what was
You could say it’s almost bittersweet
Learned a lot of lessons
One, I won’t live with a cheat
So it’s time for you to move out
I’ll help you pack
You chose this, remember
So there is no turning back
Last year I began my own renaissance. It was slow but steady and I accomplished some things. In 2018 I:
- logged 80+ workouts
- lost 35 pounds
- went to the gym by myself
- took my dogs to the beach for the first time
- faced some of my own demons and hard truths, acquired some new ones along the way
- cleaned out my Monica closet (props to those who know what this is)
- bought a home
- wrote more
- read but not nearly as much as I wanted to
- bought myself something expensive and got over the mom guilt
- survived another year of parenting a tween
I shared some of my progress along the way to celebrate the small wins. Because in life you have to call out the small shit, right? And I’m definitely not done. The year is well on it’s way and the renaissance must continue…
There is sooo trash in the world. So much darkness. I am cleansing all that crap out of me. Doing a little Marie Kondo on my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical baggage to make sure I am only carrying the essentials (and they are neatly folded). It won’t be easy but I’m here for it all. Then I’m hoping I can contribute to the positive. Live in the light and put some light out into the world. Because boy do we need more light in our lives. Am I right or am I right?
I don’t have particular goals or resolutions. But just as renaissance implies – I am continuing the rebirth of a better version of myself. I hope that when I take stock of the things I’ve done in 2019 that my list spreads the whole gamut of human health. Because above all things – I’m committed to myself. I need to be the best form of me to be the best mom, partner, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, and or stranger on the goddamn street I can be.
So here’s to 2019 and all that it brings.