Feelings

At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.

depression lies

it’s hard to breathe air
your lungs barely work
the weight on your chest is too much to bear
you’re on the inside going berserk

you can hardly move a step
your body just feels so heavy
no matter your efforts, you barely schlep
clunk around like a rusty ‘86 Chevy

sometimes you shake
can’t control the tremor
or get vomit inducing headaches
people avoid you like you’re a leper

you’re surrounded by darkness
despite always trying to live in the light
it swallows you whole, regardless
you try to oppose it with allll your might

it tries so hard to control you
and most days it succeeds
but one day you will push through
battle scars guaranteed

because on that day you remember
depression lies

Broken

I am broken
Made to feel inferior by your constant provoking

Beaten by your words, defeated by your actions
Ruined myself confidence with your dissatisfaction
Overly critical of all that I do
Keen to berate and rip me in two
Every discussion, I’m wrong and you’re right
Never realizing you brought me so much pain, night after night

Small

You make me feel small
Like I don’t matter at all

I try to speak up, to use my voice
But screaming is often your method of choice

I try to stand tall and hold my ground
But you tower over me and push me around

You get so close up and in my face
Invading all my personal space

To you, I’m simply dismissible
I don’t matter and am completely invisible

You make me feel small
And one day, that will be your biggest downfall

Doll in the Window

Doll in the window
The prettiest of everyone
She was desired by many
But only promised to one

Taken home and loved
For a while anyway
Then discarded without hesitation
One cold winter’s day

She’s broken now
Way beyond damaged
And far less pretty than before
Left tattered and bandaged

Doll in the window
Who someone no longer wanted
Will never again be loved
And left forever haunted

Selfish reasons

Ever do something for selfish reasons? What if doing something will bring nothing positive or constructive to your situation but might make you feel a smidge better? Should you still do it?

I keep dreaming about it, in different settings, but always the same scenario. And before there is any response or outcome – I wake up. It’s completely and utterly cruel. I think this is my subconscious trying to tell me to confront my demons.

But it’s for selfish reasons. No good will come of it, so why bother? It won’t change the past and it certainly will not improve my future. SO WHY? It might make me feel better for a minute; give me some sort of brief relief. But it’s entirely temporary. The demon still exists despite confrontation.

I could end up with more demons in the long run. *deep sigh*

To be selfish or not to be selfish, that is the question.