Gray

It’s gray outside. Much like it is inside. Overcast, cold…the kind of day that you want to stay in bed forever and do nothing. Hide from the world, your responsibilities and problems. That’s how I’m feeling today. Honestly, how I’ve been feeling.

I’m up and trying to keep busy. Faking my way through the day. But I want to stay in my bed, in the dark. Trying to focus on the fact that depression lies.

So here’s a bunch random of puppy gifs:

 

 

Better, right? Yeah – helped me too.

She saves me.

Two weeks ago I was casually browsing the inter webs and thought I would peak on some of my favorite people on the world. We all have those people we like to follow and see what they are doing. Yours are like Kim Kardashian or Kanye. Mine are a little different. Mine are Chrissy Teigen (because who doesn’t love Chrissy?), a few cooks (because who doesn’t love food?) and Jennifer Lawson (aka the author of TheBloggess). I stumbled across a post where Jenny said she was coming to Ohio!!! The woman I essentially idolize, IN OHIO. I immediately took to Facebook to find out where. And other Jenny fans told me she was going to be at Books by the Banks in Cincinnati. That’s like spitting distance from me…if you can spit 40 miles away. Nonetheless – completely doable. I told Mikey. He was all like you have to go and see her. Well DUH! So we made plans to leave first thing in the morning, get my books signed, maybe see her speak….everything was falling into place.

I went to bed that night planning to see my hero in the morning. I day dreamed of use becoming BFFs. But I woke up early in the morning… completely panic-stricken. I wanted to go and meet this amazing woman who speaks to me in the darkest times in my life, who reminds me to keep going when my brain wants me to do stupid things, who lets me know that it’s okay to hurt, who lets the world know that there are other people out there fighting depression, anxiety and all kinds of fucked up shit….but I was terrified. What if I went and didn’t get to see her? What if we missed her speak or didn’t get my books signed? What if she was like you’re a fucking disaster, GET IT TOGETHER? What if I couldn’t remember my name? So I just laid in bed and didn’t say anything.

At about 10:30AM – Mike woke up and questioned why we were still at home. I made up some bull shit about not wanting to screw up everyone’s plans for the day. He clearly read through my weak ass excuse. These were our plans. He told me I was being stupid and to get my ass up and get ready to go meet Jenny Lawson. So I did.

We got to Books By the Banks just in enough time to listen to Jenny speak. She read from her book – Furiously Happy – and then answered questions. I got to ask the first one and she complimented by Harry Potter shirt! Potter Weasley 2016!! I could have died at that moment. Then we waited in line and she signed my books. We chatted like we were the best of friends. And in my head we totally are. 🙂

Easily goes down as one of the most memorable days of my life.

unnamed

Today I am furiously happy I met @thebloggess! And she liked my tee shirt!

s t r e s s e d

Stressed doesn’t begin to explain what I am feeling but it’s a start. And overwhelmed is a gross understatement. Burnt out, exhausted….just don’t do it justice. I’m confident there is not a word for the magnitude of pressure that is building in my head, the migraine that I’ve had for what seems like forever, the never-ending list of things I need to do/clean/cook/pay/review, the nagging ear ringing, or the agony I am in when someone says Sarah/mom (or any other variations of those) because I’m afraid I won’t be able to deliver. So. Much. Pressure. I can’t answer any more questions. I can’t read any more emails. I can’t solve any more problems.

I HAVE OFFICIALLY EXCEED MAXIMUM CAPACITY.

I know. I’m a mom. We aren’t supposed to have a maximum. We have super powers. Well I’m all super-ed out. There I said it.

This mom is all super-ed out.

 

Broken

I feel broken.

Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s exhausting keeping up with the day-to-day but I have to and so I do. But I want to curl up in the dark with my puppies and sleep. Everything seems off, nothing is right. I try, I fail. Every effort unnoticed or unappreciated. All I want to do is sleep and when I do it’s never enough.

Crying. Unexplained pain. Migraines.

I feel broken.

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But there’s tomorrow. I will try tomorrow.

 

Don’t guilt me.

I get it. I’m a bad mom. I work full time, I don’t attend every gymnastics practice, I’m not on the PTO, I rarely if ever volunteer at school, I don’t go to church often if ever, I cuss like a fucking sailor, I like my Lady and Diet, I’m not a super fit mom and I lose my temper. I am a bad mom. I get it. You judge me for the way I talk to my daughter like a human being, a young adult instead of belittling her like a 4-year-old. You judge me for not watching my language, for my crazy hair and casual appearance. You judge me for small house, my old car, hell even my mixed family. Admit it – you judge the shit out of me.

It’s okay. I judge the shit out of you too. So we’re even. But don’t – don’t you dare guilt me. Don’t try to make me feel bad for not going to church every weekend or not attending every gymnastics practice. You don’t know me. You have no idea what is happening in my life. You don’t know that sometimes I have to convince myself to get up in the morning, to work through the depression and overwhelming anxiety and push through to be a functioning parent and wife. To find the energy to make a home cooked meal most nights, to study with my kid at night and drive to BFE for the next gymnastics meet, socialize with people when I don’t want to and drive all the way home in the same day. Or to do simple things like laundry, dishes, even getting the mail sometimes seems like a daunting task. So don’t you sit on your PTO pulpit and give me dirty looks for bring in store-bought goods for the class party or not sitting outside on the weekends to gab with the entire neighborhood because I would rather sit in the dark, alone in my room. Do not make me feel bad for not attending every baby shower, birthday, wedding, or party for your mom’s dog’s brother’s friend named Bob because I’m struggling with myself and don’t want to be around other people. DO NOT. DO NOT GUILT ME. EVER.

 

Depression: It’s okay.

I’ve been a way from my blog for a bit. I didn’t know how to write what I was feeling…. for once. For those of you who know me – I know I know, Sarah at a loss for words. It’s shocking to everyone. I had the words, just didn’t know how to get them on paper (or blog).

Depression. Loads people have it, sure. But when you’re a wife or mother there is a stigma that comes with for some reason. People assume your marriage is rocky or if you’ve recently had a baby, they blame postpartum. But why? I’m happily married to my best friend and I have a fantastic 9-year-old who is full of life…but I suffer from depression. It’s totally okay. It’s like because you’re wife/mother you have to be super human all the time. It’s exhausting. This might come as a shock to some but while mom’s are our personal superheroes they are humans too. And get this – we feel things and have our own problems to solve all while packing lunches, paying bills, holding down a job, managing a household and planning dinner. This shouldn’t be a branding of failure or a mark of inadequacy. Rather a badge of honor – meaning I’m fighting my inner and personal demons. And it’s okay.

Yes there are drugs. Sure there are loads of books with experts opinions. I’m not here asking for your two sense on how to deal with my own depression. I’m just letting you know that if you suffer in silence – it’s okay. There are people who get it, who aren’t here to give you a lecture or advice or judge you.

There are days I don’t want to get out bed, where I dread talking to anyone, where I can’t cope with my feelings or when I overcompensate for them. And I’m a wife and mother. I have depression and am working through it. And it’s okay.