Lonely

I‘m lonely
Missing that feeling of someone holding me closely

Listen, I’m very independent and capable
Oh what I would give, though, to find my true partner, with that bond, so unshakable
Needing them when I just can’t give it my all
Ever understanding of my long list of shortfalls
Looking around me, realizing this is merely a hopeless desire
Yet pleading with my maker nightly to help make this transpire

Head Space

I’m on a path of self destruction
Depending on the damage there may not be reconstruction

You know that nasty head space
That makes you question why you were born in the first place

Yeah that’s exactly where I’m at
Here things are never in your favor or even tit-for-tat

So much pain and yet I constantly feel nothing
Trying hard to avoid old habits that leave scars and blood gushing

Day after day of going through the motion
Nights feeling empty and completely broken

Incapable of seeing beyond my own defects
Disgusting and inadequate, an absolute reject

Just wanting to feel anything, anything at all
Only to fail and curl up in a ball

But I’m fine, it’s fine, just another bad episode
Hopefully it won’t last long or I might self-implode

Caution

Everything she touches dies
Life with her is not sustainable, that’s no surprise

She’s completely toxic
All things with her are catastrophic

She leaves destruction in her path
Sadness, anger, dissatisfaction always part of the aftermath

Honestly, poison would be a better option
At least you could take some sort of precaution

Approach at your own risk, you’ve been warned
So when she ruins you too, don’t act all misinformed

Unwanted

I am unwanted
Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted

Undesirable to all of the opposite sex
No one special and someone everyone forgets
Was once considered very intriguing
And is now not even remotely appealing
Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial
Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial
Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly
Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely

insomnia

can’t sleep
the silence is deafening
the darkness completely enveloping

can’t sleep
the anxiety within is swelling
it’s too much, it’s overwhelming

can’t sleep
the sadness is exhausting
forever turning and tossing

can’t sleep
the pain is quiet but throbbing
goes on and on without stopping

i can’t sleep
thoughts ongoing, never ending
lay there eyes closed pretending

I CANNOT SLEEP
forever awake
drowning in sorrow and heartache

Feelings

At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.