My brain is broken

I’m happy. But I’m broken. My brain is broken. It’s telling me I’m not happy, that I am not okay. Because that is what depression does. Depression lies. It tells you awful things and then convinces you they are facts. It makes you see and feel things that are sometimes not there. It’s evil. And it’s best friend is anxiety. They show up uninvited and ruin everything. Trust me, I know. I’ve been bullied by them for decades.

Truthfully – I’m in a down cycle. Things are dark in my space right now. I’m unmotivated despite having all the lists of things to do and you guys know I know love lists. My face is a leaky mess of tears and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m lethargic and could sleep for days if it was allowed. I get up and attempt to go through the motions because I’m a single mom and I have to. But I’m just blah. If that makes sense.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot of things about dealing with my depression and anxiety. I’ve learned to watch for signs in myself that things are taking a turn for the worse. It’s taken me a long time to recognize those things but being able to know now what they look and feel like has helped a lot. This time around my therapist has me trying something new. I think the gist is around writing out my emotions – anger, fear, guilt and sadness – and seeing how they relate to anything unresolved. Then finding any unreasonable expectations I may have for myself and flipping that expectation around. I’ll report back on my thoughts.

I’ve been in dark valleys before but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I never know how long they will last or how hard they will be to get through. I’m just focused on the things I do know to be true.

This is temporary. You’ve lived through this before and you will make it through this again.

There is light on the other side.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Give yourself grace.

You are so loved.

Depression lies.

The other night I was reading in bed – that’s what us bibliophiles do – and I came across something that at that very moment I needed. I’m reading Broken (in the best way possible) by Jenny Lawson* and she was writing about tools that have helped her with her mental health and she said:

Forgive yourself. Forgiveness – something I never considered.

*Side note: Go out right now and buy all the Jenny Lawson books and read them. She’s amazing. She’s legit saved me. She’s my hero.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry.
For saying all the things.
For oversharing my thoughts.
For being in my feelings sometimes.
For over communicating.
For being too forward and too honest.
For caring too much.
For loving too hard.
For wanting things that aren’t mine.
For wishing things I’m unworthy of.
For being stubborn.
For being sassy.
For giving my unsolicited opinion from time to time.
For being indecisive.
For being a total head case.
For having anxiety and depression.
For having this body and body image issues.
For crying too easily.
For playing with my hair too much.
For having a foul mouth.
For not being someone else.
I’m sorry for just being me.
I’m sorry.

Feelings

In my feelings
Drowning in all the things I’ve been concealing

Stuck in my head
Wishing I was anywhere else instead

But I’m trapped in this awfully dark place
Full of thoughts I can’t erase

They consume my everything
Dragging me along like a plaything

It’s here I analyze and overthink
It’s very clear why I see a shrink

Hoping maybe someone will take notice
But on their own lives they are focused

These thoughts don’t make me special or unique
Merely sleep deprived and weak

I’ll resurface eventually, it’s fine
In the meantime, suck it up kid and don’t whine

Small – Part II

You still try to make me feel small
Every time you show up, text or call

Thinking you can tell me what to do
But I no longer have to listen to you

You say things to mess with my head
Act like you never heard the words that I said

I continue to try and remain polite
But you’re conniving and always picking a fight

You have no respect for my home or my things
Always trying to push my buttons and pull my strings

You’re no different than a school yard bully
Except I stupidly thought you were an adult and could act maturely

But I won’t tolerate it anymore
I kicked you out and changed the locks on the door

I will no longer be made to feel small
I might be short in stature but I still stand tall

Lonely

I‘m lonely
Missing that feeling of someone holding me closely

Listen, I’m very independent and capable
Oh what I would give, though, to find my true partner, with that bond, so unshakable
Needing them when I just can’t give it my all
Ever understanding of my long list of shortfalls
Looking around me, realizing this is merely a hopeless desire
Yet pleading with my maker nightly to help make this transpire

Head Space

I’m on a path of self destruction
Depending on the damage there may not be reconstruction

You know that nasty head space
That makes you question why you were born in the first place

Yeah that’s exactly where I’m at
Here things are never in your favor or even tit-for-tat

So much pain and yet I constantly feel nothing
Trying hard to avoid old habits that leave scars and blood gushing

Day after day of going through the motion
Nights feeling empty and completely broken

Incapable of seeing beyond my own defects
Disgusting and inadequate, an absolute reject

Just wanting to feel anything, anything at all
Only to fail and curl up in a ball

But I’m fine, it’s fine, just another bad episode
Hopefully it won’t last long or I might self-implode