Chronicles of Cube World: The Aggressive Flosser

If you’re new here – I work in an office, with people who are….unique. I share my thoughts via the Twitter from time to time but sometimes I have a little more I need to say.

Today I would like to introduce you to the Aggressive Flosser. She is a special office person that her flosses her teeth several times a day in the ladies bathroom. And shares her flossing and dental health with you while you’re there. I would like the record to indicate that I would have kept her gender anonymous, however, our encounters have only been in the bathroom so….. *shrugs*

The first time we met in the restroom, the Aggressive Flosser was at the sink doing her thing. I came into the bathroom to do my thing. *Ahem* When I went to wash my hands, like all civilized people should do, she proceeded to give me her dental history. She explained to me that the reason she was flossing was because her teeth are rotting. I’m sorry, WHAT!? Yes, her teeth are rotting. Gurl, we have dental coverage here – why did you let this happen? Then…. SHE LEANED OVER TO SHOW ME. *insert Sarah face here* I stepped back, waaaay the fuck back. It took every fiber of being to not gag right in her face. I did the polite uh huh, okay and left. Why do people feel the need to over share? G R O S S.

Our next encounter was even more awkward. Again, I walked in and she was flossing. There were others in the restroom too, so I naively thought this meant she would leave me alone. She proceeded to talk while I was in the stall and asked, “Do your gums ever bleed when you floss? Happens to me all the time.” I thought she must have been speaking to someone else. Surely she wasn’t speaking to me. I am doing my business. When I went to go wash my hands, she repeated herself and gave me a look like how rude of me to not answer her. And I was like are you talking to me? and she was all like, “Well of course who else would I be speaking to?” I’m not exactly known for hiding my feelings so I’m sure my face said it all. I said something along the lines of oh, my mistake and left in a hurry.

First of all – there is not a co-worker on planet earth that is close enough with me that we can chat while my ass is on the pot. Period. Second, I don’t know this woman from Adam and she thinks we can chat it up in the bathroom?! GTFOH with that shit!!! Third, the bathroom is not a place for a social event. And lastly and most importantly, I hate people. Leave me the fuck alone to pee and wash my hands.

Most recently – we had a team dinner at Firebirds because a colleague was in town from across the pond. We were all gabbing about office life and all of sudden my cube mate – who we will just call K goes, “OMG there is a lady in the office who obsessively flosses and she freaks me out.” See it’s not just me, you guys.

This woman terrifies me with her dedication to dental hygiene. She flosses in the office as a minimum of three times a day. And also her rotting teeth, which she likes to share with people. Bro, keep that to yourself. We all have issues but we don’t need to share. I will admit – the last time I walked into the bathroom and she was there, I totally walked out like I forgot something and just held it for awhile till the coast was clear. Does that make me an awful person? Probably.

For all I know – she could be a delightful human being. But I’m not into making friends in the washroom. It’s not the time or place for social interactions. And also – I hate people.

Chronicles of Cube World: 6pger

I work in an office. I chronicle my work experiences often in my #chroniclesofcubeworld tweets. But I’ve decided that some things just need told.

Today I’d like to introduce you to a person in the office that I affectionately call 6 pager (aka 6pger). Why, you ask, do I call said person 6pger? Because when they applied for their current role – they submitted a six page resume.

Let me explain something. Resume etiquette – yes there is etiquette for resume writing – states that you should have one page for every ten years of professional work. Most people keep it between one to two pages. That being said – the ONLY time a six page resume would be acceptable is if:

  • You’ve dedicated 60+ years of your life to a career and your CV needs to reflect the breadth of your work.
  • You are in fact the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa or Gandhi, all of whom would be too humble to have six pages of things to say about themselves anyway.
  • You’ve walked on the moon, solved world hunger, cured cancer, secured all children proper education across the globe and or brought peace to all of the Middle East.

That’s it! So if you don’t fit into those categories a six page resume is absolutely unacceptable. But I digress…

6pager has been around for a minute now but still is of the volition that learning the actual parts of the role is optional. This I can’t wrap my head around. When I begin a new role or take on any new responsibility and they tell me to learn X. I learn X. And then Y and Z. Because knowledge is power! Additionally, said verbose individual does not collaborate, communicate, or commiserate with teammates. The team is small so if one of the group doesn’t actively participate it makes a very lopsided team dynamic. This person essentially takes notes, sends meeting notices and meeting minutes. They are a glorified note taker, making too much for doing too little.

And despite how long winded and highly accredited 6pger is, they lack the ability to critically think. As in none whatsoever. Like not even out of a cardboard box. This is alarming to me in a heavy critical thinking, problem solving type role. If complete, step by step directions are not given or a template not provided – they are all deer in the headlights. The one thing that I think bothers me the most is that 6pger is a “let me go ask permission” employee. You know the type? This is a high preforming, high caliber, working professional environment. If you feel like you need to run to mommy or daddy to ask permission before you make any decision, then this is not the place for you. Period. It’s disgraceful. It means you aren’t capable of thinking or executing on your own.

*Deep sigh* 

Six whole pages of resume and yet so many holes.

6pger is a nice human being. Naive as hell but nice. Just not someone I care to interact with at work. Or ever.