PhD

I have a doctorate in loneliness
An education I recently acquiesced

Originally not a choice I made
But for my freedom it was the price I paid

Before I knew it the isolation took over
And I wasn’t ready for this level of overexposure

I didn’t know what this lesson in loneliness would require
Turns out it would be baptism by fire

Now, the silence no longer swallows me
Instead it knows all of my idiosyncrasies

I’m no longer uncomfortable here
Or scared if I stay too long I will disappear

Today, it’s okay if I’m alone
No longer need company on the telephone

Learning to embrace solitude was harder than I ever could have known
The culmination of all my studies, my capstone

For no one knows what tomorrow will bring
But I’m smarter, stronger now, ready for anything

Goodbye

You walked away a while ago
Threw your ring on the the floor
Stopped loving me
Hardly came home anymore

And it took me a long time to face facts
So many truths to uncover
That you had moved on
Fell in love with another

Now it’s time for you to leave
And you’re dragging your feet
Told me you wanted a divorce
Then took a back seat

I was more than patient with you
Ridiculously generous with time
You gave me your word
Clearly, it wasn’t worth a dime

And yes, it’s the end of what was
You could say it’s almost bittersweet
Learned a lot of lessons
One, I won’t live with a cheat

So it’s time for you to move out
I’ll help you pack
You chose this, remember
So there is no turning back

Feelings

At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.

Confessions – 11th ed.

Hi and welcome to the first confession of 2020!

New here? I’m a notorious confessor. I already have this problem of being very blunt (the bluntest blog – get it?) but on top of that I tend to confess things to the bloggy-verse. *shrugs* Oh well, shit happens. AND this whole global pandemic thing isn’t helping AT ALL. So…let’s begin.

  • I miss seeing people I actually like. Yes, I am locked up with my kid and yes I like her most days. But I mean people I actually like and want to spend time with. You know?
  • I have a secret hiding place for a Costco size jar of salted, dark chocolate caramels. JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT BUT I LIVE WITH MONSTERS.
  • As of late – I’ve been very into my horoscope and have fallen into the madness that is Secret Tarot’s YouTube channel. She’s incredible.
  • I’m a difficult egg to crack. It’s hard for me to trust, to put my guard down. Very few manage to get through. And when I do finally let my walls down…I surrender completely.
  • I put on perfume everyday after I shower. Yes, even if I’m not going anywhere. Why can’t I feel pretty? There is no need to live like animals.
  • We have a cat – Kiko. He’s a great cat and I like him. I just don’t want a cat.
  • I can’t seem to journal, as of late. It’s like I lost the ability to write. So I’m doodling. Lots and lots of doodling.
  • We’ve only lived in this house a year but I can honestly say I’m not big on my new-ish neighbors. They are nice enough and don’t appear to be serial killers or anything. But my old crew were THE BEST and these new people just don’t have it.
  • I’m convinced my hair has stopped growing and is falling out. Stressing about it isn’t helping – that is for sure. But I’m in my thirties for Christ’s sake! So I’ve invested in shampoo and conditioner to help my hair grow. I know, right? It’s a thing – put it in the Google.
  • Lately, I’ve been sleeping cattywampus or completely sideways in bed. It feels more occupied that way.
  • The best part about social distancing is that I now have a legit excuse to socially distance from my family.
  • My kid is obsessed with Nutella. Sometimes I sneak a spoonful (or two) when no one is looking. And then when the jar runs out super fast I totally scold her for eating too much of it.
  • I feel like 2020 will be the year I get my first tattoo or a new piercing… something permanent to represent change.

These are my confessions.

Changes

Did you know in 2017 I did not accomplish all the things I wanted to? I did accomplish a lot. Just not all the things that wanted to get done. For me.

So 2018 will be different because I have decided it will be. How?

I’m will still accomplish all kinds of things a home, at work, as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, etc. But I’ll be damned if I don’t also accomplish some shit for myself.

I’m going to make time for me – to do the things that I want to do, that make me happy. Because I need to do those things in order to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, employee, etc. I will make time for the things that I need to do to make me better, healthier – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I will do the things I love but never prioritized because I was “too busy” to do in the past. I will schedule the time, create the time or pull time out of my ass to make it happen. Because it needs to happen. No matter what.

These are the changes. 2018 will be different.