Tag: books

My brain is broken

Sarah1 Comment

I’m happy. But I’m broken. My brain is broken. It’s telling me I’m not happy, that I am not okay. Because that is what depression does. Depression lies. It tells you awful things and then convinces you they are facts. It makes you see and feel things that are sometimes not there. It’s evil. And it’s best friend is anxiety. They show up uninvited and ruin everything. Trust me, I know. I’ve been bullied by them for decades.

Truthfully – I’m in a down cycle. Things are dark in my space right now. I’m unmotivated despite having all the lists of things to do and you guys know I know love lists. My face is a leaky mess of tears and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m lethargic and could sleep for days if it was allowed. I get up and attempt to go through the motions because I’m a single mom and I have to. But I’m just blah. If that makes sense.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot of things about dealing with my depression and anxiety. I’ve learned to watch for signs in myself that things are taking a turn for the worse. It’s taken me a long time to recognize those things but being able to know now what they look and feel like has helped a lot. This time around my therapist has me trying something new. I think the gist is around writing out my emotions – anger, fear, guilt and sadness – and seeing how they relate to anything unresolved. Then finding any unreasonable expectations I may have for myself and flipping that expectation around. I’ll report back on my thoughts.

I’ve been in dark valleys before but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I never know how long they will last or how hard they will be to get through. I’m just focused on the things I do know to be true.

This is temporary. You’ve lived through this before and you will make it through this again.

There is light on the other side.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Give yourself grace.

You are so loved.

Depression lies.

The other night I was reading in bed – that’s what us bibliophiles do – and I came across something that at that very moment I needed. I’m reading Broken (in the best way possible) by Jenny Lawson* and she was writing about tools that have helped her with her mental health and she said:

  • Picture of my copy of Broken (in the best way possible) by Jenny Lawson.

Forgive yourself. Forgiveness – something I never considered.

*Side note: Go out right now and buy all the Jenny Lawson books and read them. She’s amazing. She’s legit saved me. She’s my hero.

Escape

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Books are my sanctuary
Where things are imaginary

I fall into the pages
Into different worlds, places, and stages

I can lose myself in the prose
Where metaphors and similes are juxtaposed

I can be someone else for a while
Fight crime, wave a wand, live the Jones’ lifestyle

I’m free to travel near or far
Through fiction, fantasy, mystery or memoir

Books are my safety net
A place to escape all of life’s regrets





Confessions – 6th ed.

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Happy 2017! If you’re like me – this is your first week back to work and if you’ve made it to Friday then CONGRATS on surviving your first week back in hell. If you accomplish nothing else this year then you’ve done that! I essentially took the month of December off so  you can imagine how I felt going to the office on Tuesday. YIKES!

If you are just joining the shenanigans – I like to confess shit. My husband, Mike, probably says I do this too much {I sense his eyes rolling right now}. I just put it out there. Kind of takes the weight off my shoulders and makes me feel just a little lighter. If you know me, I need to drop some serious weight so shedding even a little is a big help. Everyone likes to loose weight, am I right? So to start my 2017 blogging year – I wanted to get some things off my chest. What better way to do that than confess.

  • I’m a sucky gift giver. I never know what to get. It’s just really not my strength.
  • In my next home I will have a room with floor to ceiling shelves for books. I have dreamt of this since I was a kid. Most people dream of castles – I dream of libraries.
  • I hate the Kardashians. Everything about the. WITH A PASSION. There, I said it. Shun me.
  • My name is Sarah and I have a wrapping paper addiction. I LOVE to buy wrapping paper. Mainly Christmas (because it’s my favorite holiday) but if it’s a deal – I’ll likely buy it. I have problem and I might need help.
  • Don’t go into my office closet. It’s a scary place where I’m unorganized. I hide things there and shove things I don’t want to deal with or don’t know where to put. Beware.
  • For the first time in 5 years I am using my EC Life Planner differently and I have low-key anxiety about it. Because while I welcome change, it’s still super hard shit.
  • I don’t set resolutions. I set goals.
  • Personally, I think LuLaRoe is a fugly. Why are grown ass women trying to dress like Miss Frizzle? I don’t understand it? Riddle me this – $35 for leggings that you have to hand wash? And they have pizzas on them? No.
    • {Side note: I know people are going to hate for this confession. But it’s my confession so it’s okay. Also – I don’t care what people think.}
  • I started a new journal for 2017 without finishing my previous one. This goes against my journaling code of ethics but sometimes rules need to be broken.
  • Raw broccoli >>> raw cauliflower.
  • We watched Elf about 76 times this Christmas and it was glorious! Sadly, I didn’t get in one Home Alone marathon and I’m sad about it.
  • I don’t have a TV in my bedroom.
  • I’m over Bey.
  • I totally slacked on the Elf on the Shelf this year. Oops! Oh well. Simon the Elf will return to his ridiculous pranks Decemeber 2017.
  • There are people in the world who don’t like FRIENDS. This baffles me. Iconic 90’s television!
  • The ASPCA commercials with the cold puppies that get you to donate money piss me off.
  • I only take selfies in Snapchat.

These are my confessions.

Feeling accomplished!

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Every year a set a reading goal because I love books and this is what we readers do. And reading for fun is just something I need to do for my mental health. Escaping reality into James Patterson’s mysteries and solving who done it or swooning over some hunk in one of Corinne Michaels’ latest or even laughing and crying my way through one of Jenny Lawson’s truthful stories on mental health is a must for me. I need it between all the bull shit at work, the chores at home that I’m casually neglecting and the overwhelming stress I feel 24/7/365. So books. I love them. They are my therapy. My escape.

This year I told myself 12 books was more than reasonable. I mean I’m friends with people who read 12 books a month so 12 in the course of a YEAR is more than feasible. Right? Well I did it. In fact – I’ve read 14 (that’s 117% for those keeping score at home!) and I’m in the middle of two more because the year isn’t over yet. Am I right or am I right?

SOOOO as the holidays approach and you find that you have some extra time on your hands – I encourage you to pick up a book. I thought I would share with you the books I’ve read this year so far to help if you need some suggestions. Of course you can keep up to date on what I’m reading, dying to read and have read on goodreads. I’m constantly adding books to my shelves.

Books I’ve read thus far in 2016:

Not on goodreads? YOU SHOULD BE! It’s a book lover’s dream!*

 

*Note: This is not an ad nor was I paid or compensated in any fashion for saying this. I just really like books. 

 

She saves me.

Sarah1 Comment

Two weeks ago I was casually browsing the inter webs and thought I would peak on some of my favorite people on the world. We all have those people we like to follow and see what they are doing. Yours are like Kim Kardashian or Kanye. Mine are a little different. Mine are Chrissy Teigen (because who doesn’t love Chrissy?), a few cooks (because who doesn’t love food?) and Jennifer Lawson (aka the author of TheBloggess). I stumbled across a post where Jenny said she was coming to Ohio!!! The woman I essentially idolize, IN OHIO. I immediately took to Facebook to find out where. And other Jenny fans told me she was going to be at Books by the Banks in Cincinnati. That’s like spitting distance from me…if you can spit 40 miles away. Nonetheless – completely doable. I told Mikey. He was all like you have to go and see her. Well DUH! So we made plans to leave first thing in the morning, get my books signed, maybe see her speak….everything was falling into place.

I went to bed that night planning to see my hero in the morning. I day dreamed of us becoming BFFs. But I woke up early in the morning… completely panic-stricken. I wanted to go and meet this amazing woman who speaks to me in the darkest times in my life, who reminds me to keep going when my brain wants me to do stupid things, who lets me know that it’s okay to hurt, who lets the world know that there are other people out there fighting depression, anxiety and all kinds of fucked up shit….but I was terrified. What if I went and didn’t get to see her? What if we missed her speak or didn’t get my books signed? What if she was like you’re a fucking disaster, GET IT TOGETHER? What if I couldn’t remember my name? So I just laid in bed and didn’t say anything.

At about 10:30AM – Mike woke up and questioned why we were still at home. I made up some bull shit about not wanting to screw up everyone’s plans for the day. He clearly read through my weak ass excuse. These were our plans. He told me I was being stupid and to get my ass up and get ready to go meet Jenny Lawson. So I did.

We got to Books By the Banks just in enough time to listen to Jenny speak. She read from her book – Furiously Happy – and then answered questions. I got to ask the first one and she complimented by Harry Potter shirt! Potter Weasley 2016!! I could have died at that moment. Then we waited in line and she signed my books. We chatted like we were the best of friends. And in my head we totally are. 🙂

Easily goes down as one of the most memorable days of my life.

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Today I am furiously happy I met @thebloggess! And she liked my tee shirt!

Confessions – 5th ed.

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If you are just joining the shenanigans – I like to confess shit. Just put it out there. Kind of takes the weight off my shoulders and makes me feel just a little lighter. I’m a big girl so shedding even a little is a big help. You know? I strongly recommend it. What are your confessions?

  • I am officially one of those people who has an Instagram for their dogs. Yes – judge the shit of me because I don’t give a damn. It’s so much fun connecting with other pet accounts, pet brands, advocates and lovers. It’s an epic community and I am not ashamed to say I am part of it. Also – Alvin and Ollivander are wicked cute. So there’s that.
  • I LOVE LOVE LOVE FALL! I’m ready for sweaters, hoodies, scarves, Birkenstocks, fires and all the yummy comfort food that comes with it.
  • Fifth boss in ten months now at work. I am SO OVER IT. Keeping my head down and working but it’s hard. Moral is generally down. I’m doing my best to focus. We still have so much to execute on. Just because things aren’t going well doesn’t mean the work stops. I tend to welcome change because it’s a sign of progress but this much is difficult to keep my feet under me.

“Times is hard. And things are a changin’. I pray to God…” – John Legend, It Don’t Have to Change

  • I talk to myself. But frankly, sometimes I need the company.
  • Books have always been bae. However, as of late I am crushing it. I killed my goodreads reading challenge for 2016! And am still reading several more books because why not?! The Dayton Metro Library lets you check out a bazillion books at a time – both physical copies and digital. It’s amazing! If you’re a local Daytonian and avid reader – make sure to join this library if you haven’t already. They have so many locations and their digital library is impressive.
  • I think I might wear my Potter/Weasley shirt everyday until this election is over. Because that’s how I feel about it.
  • We have a neighbor who thinks its okay to park their cars in front of our house even though they have plenty of room at theirs. This is not a smart way to make friends with me. You will be unsuccessful.
  • I like to play Pokémon. Yes I’m grown. No I don’t care what you think. Major Poké goals. MAJOR.
  • I am going to start Christmas shopping this weekend. There are only TEN weekends until Christmas. And four of those weekends we will be traveling. I am starting to PANIC!
  • I’m in this perpetual cycle of messy desk, clean desk, disaster desk, clean desk. It never ends.
  • Settling on an EC Life Planner is easily one of the biggest decisions of my year. It dictates how I plan for 365 days! And every time I think I have my mind made up, the woman comes out with another edition that only messes up everything I’ve concluded. So…I’m struggling. This is my vise. Also – if you don’t use an EC Life Planner – you are running your life wrong. I’m not sponsored or anything, I’m just right. Check them out!

 

These are my confessions.