It’s fine

Sometimes life kicks you in the ass. Currently, it seems life is beating the actual shit out of me. *deepest of sighs* And the beating feels like it’s been going on forever. But I’ve gotten a few jabs in, here and there. And I’m figuring out how to hold my own. You know – stand on my own two feet. Slowly but surely.

All this to say – I’m going through some shit right now. And it’s hard and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing 99% of the time. I’m scared, upset, lonely, angry…all the emotions, all at once. But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.

And you might be going through something too. And I just wanted you to know – you’re not alone. You’re not the only one struggling to figure things out. You’re not the only one doubting yourself or questioning your next move. And you’re definitely not the only one having mini break downs or unable to get a hold of yourself. Nope. Not alone at all. And that’s okay. We will figure it out.

It’s fine. We are fine.

Chronicles of Cube World: The Aggressive Flosser

If you’re new here – I work in an office, with people who are….unique. I share my thoughts via the Twitter from time to time but sometimes I have a little more I need to say.

Today I would like to introduce you to the Aggressive Flosser. She is a special office person that her flosses her teeth several times a day in the ladies bathroom. And shares her flossing and dental health with you while you’re there. I would like the record to indicate that I would have kept her gender anonymous, however, our encounters have only been in the bathroom so….. *shrugs*

The first time we met in the restroom, the Aggressive Flosser was at the sink doing her thing. I came into the bathroom to do my thing. *Ahem* When I went to wash my hands, like all civilized people should do, she proceeded to give me her dental history. She explained to me that the reason she was flossing was because her teeth are rotting. I’m sorry, WHAT!? Yes, her teeth are rotting. Gurl, we have dental coverage here – why did you let this happen? Then…. SHE LEANED OVER TO SHOW ME. *insert Sarah face here* I stepped back, waaaay the fuck back. It took every fiber of being to not gag right in her face. I did the polite uh huh, okay and left. Why do people feel the need to over share? G R O S S.

Our next encounter was even more awkward. Again, I walked in and she was flossing. There were others in the restroom too, so I naively thought this meant she would leave me alone. She proceeded to talk while I was in the stall and asked, “Do your gums ever bleed when you floss? Happens to me all the time.” I thought she must have been speaking to someone else. Surely she wasn’t speaking to me. I am doing my business. When I went to go wash my hands, she repeated herself and gave me a look like how rude of me to not answer her. And I was like are you talking to me? and she was all like, “Well of course who else would I be speaking to?” I’m not exactly known for hiding my feelings so I’m sure my face said it all. I said something along the lines of oh, my mistake and left in a hurry.

First of all – there is not a co-worker on planet earth that is close enough with me that we can chat while my ass is on the pot. Period. Second, I don’t know this woman from Adam and she thinks we can chat it up in the bathroom?! GTFOH with that shit!!! Third, the bathroom is not a place for a social event. And lastly and most importantly, I hate people. Leave me the fuck alone to pee and wash my hands.

Most recently – we had a team dinner at Firebirds because a colleague was in town from across the pond. We were all gabbing about office life and all of sudden my cube mate – who we will just call K goes, “OMG there is a lady in the office who obsessively flosses and she freaks me out.” See it’s not just me, you guys.

This woman terrifies me with her dedication to dental hygiene. She flosses in the office as a minimum of three times a day. And also her rotting teeth, which she likes to share with people. Bro, keep that to yourself. We all have issues but we don’t need to share. I will admit – the last time I walked into the bathroom and she was there, I totally walked out like I forgot something and just held it for awhile till the coast was clear. Does that make me an awful person? Probably.

For all I know – she could be a delightful human being. But I’m not into making friends in the washroom. It’s not the time or place for social interactions. And also – I hate people.

Selfish reasons

Ever do something for selfish reasons? What if doing something will bring nothing positive or constructive to your situation but might make you feel a smidge better? Should you still do it?

I keep dreaming about it, in different settings, but always the same scenario. And before there is any response or outcome – I wake up. It’s completely and utterly cruel. I think this is my subconscious trying to tell me to confront my demons.

But it’s for selfish reasons. No good will come of it, so why bother? It won’t change the past and it certainly will not improve my future. SO WHY? It might make me feel better for a minute; give me some sort of brief relief. But it’s entirely temporary. The demon still exists despite confrontation.

I could end up with more demons in the long run. *deep sigh*

To be selfish or not to be selfish, that is the question.

Confessions – 10th ed. – Special edition!

If you’re new to these parts – I like to confess shit. Just say things that the bloggy-verse that I probably should say in actual confession [or to no one at all]. But you know – relieve the burden of carrying it around in my head. And I’m aging so I only have so much head space to spare.

This is a special confessions edition, specific on mental health since May was Mental Health Awareness Month. Yeah I’m late – but shit happens. And no I am not going to lecture you but rather confess some [very hard] truths about my mental health in hopes you might confess or face some hard truths about your own or someone you know. Regardless, know that it’s real, it can be very scary and very lonely and it should always be taken seriously.

So lets confess some shit…

  • I have chronic depression and anxiety disorder. And I am heavily medicated.
  • I have good days and bad days. Peaks and valleys.
  • My depression began in middle school (about 6th grade) and anxiety kicked into high gear in high school. I don’t recall anytime since then that I’ve not had either in my life.
  • In my family – mental health anything was frowned upon. You were depressed? You were supposed to get over it. You had anxiety? You were told to stop being anxious. Period.
  • I once went off my meds cold turkey. Serotonin withdrawal is awful. NOT RECOMMENDED.
  • My depression has taken many forms over the years. From nights planning my death and calling the Suicide Lifeline (1-800-273-8255, just in case you need it) to cutting, pill taking, hiding my home or just not being able to fully function.
  • My anxiety has also surfaced in many forms over the years. Panic attacks that would send me to the ER with a heart rate into the 180s+, blackouts where I’d wake up really disoriented and not know who/where/what the hell was going on for about 30 mins, dizziness, blurred vision, the shakes, and so on.
  • When Mike and I started dating- my panic attacks slowed down dramatically.
  • I have eczema and pick at it when I’m stressed or down or just want to hurt, to feel something. My arms are scared and most of the time I don’t care to show them.
  • I have two main outlets to deal with life – writing and reading.
  • I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood journals were destroyed by my mother (a post for another time). But I’ve always kept a journal and always will.
  • I read to escape into new places, take new adventures, solve new mysteries. To get out of my own head for a while. This is part of the reason I needed a library in my home.
  • Working out is starting to become a new outlet. SHOCKING FOR ME, I KNOW!!! But I think it’s because I pushing myself. I’m also in the renaissance!
  • Sometimes I’m entirely nonfunctional. I feel like an awful human being. And I hate that my kid is now old enough know something is wrong.
  • I’ve found some comfort in other people who understand. I often seek refuge in the words of Jenny Lawson, my favorite blogger and author. She gets that’s depression lies and darkness is real. She saves me.

These are my [mental health] confessions.

13

Today I officially have a teenager. I know what you’re thinking – OMG YOU LOOK AMAZING FOR SOMEONE WITH A 13 YEAR OLD!!! I totally agree. But holy shit, she’s thirteen!

I’ll be honest, I’ve never kept anything alive this long. This is my personal best. *self high five* I’d like to take a moment to thank my friends for talking me through countless near-jail experiences in the passed 13 years. Also, the Twitterverse for allowing me to bitch about my child openly. To Mike, for helping make me a parent and being my partner in this, the most challenging job I’ve ever had.

And most of all – Soph. For letting me be her mom. For forgiving me when I fuck up – and I totally do. For being self sufficient when I can’t be 200% Mom or when I just want to sleep in. For loving me and all my flaws – a never ending list. And for just being her – my reason for existing, getting up every morning, my ultimate motivation for the things I do, everyday.

It’s been a whole baker’s dozen years of parenting and I’ve learned a lot.

  • Parenting is the hardest job in the history of jobs. Period. It can also be the most rewarding.
  • There is no book that will walk you through. [Though the Dr. Sears The Baby Book is a DAMN GOOD reference for new parents. And a lot of the others in his series. Just my opinion.]
  • There is no love stronger than what a parent feels for their child.
  • Every child is different. What worked for Timmy might not work for Sally.
  • It’s totally okay to have favorites. I do. 🙂
  • Common sense is no longer common.
  • Pass something down from generation to generation.
  • There are fewer things more irritating than people telling you how to parent your child. *ahem* MOM!
  • Keep family traditions and start new ones.
  • Disciplining your child will evolve as your child grows. Time out is effective when they are 3, where as no cell phone is more effective when they are 13.
  • Help educate your child. It’s not all on the teachers of the world. Teach them about music, talk to them about events happening in the world so they get the facts from you not kids on the bus. Talk to them about hate, racism, sexism, all of it…so they aren’t naive but educated.
  • Children learn from watching you. How to love, how to hate, how to be thankful and appreciate.
  • Tell your children where they came from. Teach them their culture and history.
  • Be honest with your kids. Age appropriate honesty, of course.
  • Have them learn the ACTUAL names for their parts, not foo foo names.
  • Help them find an outlet to express themselves.
  • Make sure they understand kindness, generosity and forgiveness. And practice it.
  • It’s okay if they hate you. It doesn’t feel good but it’s okay and it will pass.
  • When things get heated – no matter the age – walk away to cool down. At some point screaming is no longer constructive. Otherwise shit is said out of anger, high emotions, etc. And if they need to walk away to get it together – let them.
  • Set realistic expectations and goals for and with your children. You want to see them succeed and not fail at something they never had a chance at to begin with.
  • Growing up can be hard. Let them know you are a safe place to talk about scary things like girls/boys, peer pressure, etc.
  • Let them dress themselves. Don’t let them leave looking like a bum or someone who works a corner. But let them find their style.
  • Be authentic in your parent/child relationship. Don’t act one way in public and then another behind closed doors.
  • Teach them to be better than you.
  • Don’t push your kid in any one direction – sports, academics, etc. Provide them guidance but don’t force them into something.
  • Learn to say no. And MEAN IT.

My two goals as a mother are to ensure my kid is happy and healthy and that she’s a kind, well rounded and productive human being in society. Soph is already the greatest thing I’ve ever done in my life so if I succeed at those goals, it will just be icing on the cake.

Happy 13th Birthday, kiddo.

Chronicles of Cube World: 6pger

I work in an office. I chronicle my work experiences often in my #chroniclesofcubeworld tweets. But I’ve decided that some things just need told.

Today I’d like to introduce you to a person in the office that I affectionately call 6 pager (aka 6pger). Why, you ask, do I call said person 6pger? Because when they applied for their current role – they submitted a six page resume.


Let me explain something. Resume etiquette – yes there is etiquette for resume writing – states that you should have one page for every ten years of professional work. Most people keep it between one to two pages. That being said – the ONLY time a six page resume would be acceptable is if:

  • You’ve dedicated 60+ years of your life to a career and your CV needs to reflect the breadth of your work.
  • You are in fact the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa or Gandhi, all of whom would be too humble to have six pages of things to say about themselves anyway.
  • You’ve walked on the moon, solved world hunger, cured cancer, secured all children proper education across the globe and or brought peace to all of the Middle East.

That’s it! So if you don’t fit into those categories a six page resume is absolutely unacceptable. But I digress…


6pager has been around for a minute now but still is of the volition that learning the actual parts of the role is optional. This I can’t wrap my head around. When I begin a new role or take on any new responsibility and they tell me to learn X. I learn X. And then Y and Z. Because knowledge is power! Additionally, said verbose individual does not collaborate, communicate, or commiserate with teammates. The team is small so if one of the group doesn’t actively participate it makes a very lopsided team dynamic. This person essentially takes notes, sends meeting notices and meeting minutes. They are a glorified note taker, making too much for doing too little.

And despite how long winded and highly accredited 6pger is, they lack the ability to critically think. As in none whatsoever. Like not even out of a cardboard box. This is alarming to me in a heavy critical thinking, problem solving type role. If complete, step by step directions are not given or a template not provided – they are all deer in the headlights. The one thing that I think bothers me the most is that 6pger is a “let me go ask permission” employee. You know the type? This is a high preforming, high caliber, working professional environment. If you feel like you need to run to mommy or daddy to ask permission before you make any decision, then this is not the place for you. Period. It’s disgraceful. It means you aren’t capable of thinking or executing on your own.

*Deep sigh* 

Six whole pages of resume and yet so many holes.

6pger is a nice human being. Naive as hell but nice. Just not someone I care to interact with at work. Or ever.