Confessions – 12th ed.

It’s been a minute so I think I’m due for a public admission of my sins and other shit.

New to my shenanigans? I like to confess my things on my blog. It makes me feel ever so slightly lighter and it’s swimsuit season y’all, so any little bit helps. What are your confessions?

  • As much as I hate people, I miss working in the office. And I miss looking forward to coming home.
  • The vanilla cone is back at McDonald’s! GO! RUN! Get one, ten, now! I’ve honest to Google, never been happier. I’ve had a few…
  • Yellow makes me happy. So happy. It’s my spirit color.
  • I think White Claws are trash. Yeah I said what I said and I’m not sorry!!!
  • Right now, I’m winging this thing they call life and it scares the shit out of me. I’m a planner person and the fact that I can’t clearly see in front of me makes me nervous.
  • There are only two things I physically like about myself: my hair (it’s fabulous) and my eyes. That’s it. Self love is clearly something I need to work on…
  • I have created a lot of playlists on Spotify. Most recently I started a Country one. I KNOW. This was shocking to me too. I’m still processing. But my niece would probably be very pleased.
  • I absolutely love to buy underwear. Legit my favorite thing to shop for.
  • It appears that I am chronically behind on good TV. There is a lot of shit out there that I just haven’t seen/binged or only seen part of here and there. The list includes: Curb Your Enthusiasm, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Arrested Development, Archer, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia…I could go on. I know I know. I should take my 30 days of PTO and dedicate my time to rectifying this mistake.

These are my confessions.

Unwanted

I am unwanted
Married, divorced, left damaged and daunted

Undesirable to all of the opposite sex
No one special and someone everyone forgets
Was once considered very intriguing
And is now not even remotely appealing
Not a soul wants me, disgusted, they use antibacterial
Trying so hard to be something to someone and not immaterial
Everyday rejection breeds further feelings of being unsightly
Deep down I hope someone sees me for me, but it’s highly unlikely

insomnia

can’t sleep
the silence is deafening
the darkness completely enveloping

can’t sleep
the anxiety within is swelling
it’s too much, it’s overwhelming

can’t sleep
the sadness is exhausting
forever turning and tossing

can’t sleep
the pain is quiet but throbbing
goes on and on without stopping

i can’t sleep
thoughts ongoing, never ending
lay there eyes closed pretending

I CANNOT SLEEP
forever awake
drowning in sorrow and heartache

Feelings

At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.

Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.

Why do I act like that?
Why am I so stupid?
Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much!
What’s with your hair
?
Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!

After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?

But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)

It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.

You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…

It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.

And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.

To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.

But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.

For out of the ashes, we rise.

depression lies

it’s hard to breathe air
your lungs barely work
the weight on your chest is too much to bear
you’re on the inside going berserk

you can hardly move a step
your body just feels so heavy
no matter your efforts, you barely schlep
clunk around like a rusty ‘86 Chevy

sometimes you shake
can’t control the tremor
or get vomit inducing headaches
people avoid you like you’re a leper

you’re surrounded by darkness
despite always trying to live in the light
it swallows you whole, regardless
you try to oppose it with allll your might

it tries so hard to control you
and most days it succeeds
but one day you will push through
battle scars guaranteed

because on that day you remember
depression lies

This isn’t about you

I appreciate your concerns
And thank you for calling
But I don’t want to talk
Yes, it’s you I’m stonewalling

You’re obnoxiously invasive
And all up in my business
When you’re around
I try to leave with the quickness

I know it’s out of love
And the kindness of your heart
But you have some sort of complex
Like Napoleon Bonaparte

You poke and broad
Seek information from others
Provide unsolicited advice
Omg it’s like being smothered

You read into everything
And always have a reply
But I’m quite alright
So please leave kthxbye