Sunshine
Warm, bright and pure
Often taken for granted
The solution, the remedy, the cure
Warmth
To my skin, heart and soul
Healing all the pain
From where life takes it’s toll
Bright
Shedding light on all my scars
Revealing the hurt I hide within
Setting me free, like a shuttle to the stars
Sunshine
That wonderful golden hue
The answer to all my troubles
Always there to see me through
I’m on a path of self destruction
Depending on the damage there may not be reconstruction
You know that nasty head space
That makes you question why you were born in the first place
Yeah that’s exactly where I’m at
Here things are never in your favor or even tit-for-tat
So much pain and yet I constantly feel nothing
Trying hard to avoid old habits that leave scars and blood gushing
Day after day of going through the motion
Nights feeling empty and completely broken
Incapable of seeing beyond my own defects
Disgusting and inadequate, an absolute reject
Just wanting to feel anything, anything at all
Only to fail and curl up in a ball
But I’m fine, it’s fine, just another bad episode
Hopefully it won’t last long or I might self-implode
I’ve been working on establishing my own space lately. Both figuratively and literally. Like really making it my own. I’ve been very deliberate in this process, as I’m in a renaissance. And I’m being choosy. In all things.
Lately I’ve been working on my home office (since apparently I’ll be working from home indefinitely) and I stumbled upon some of my old stuff. Found my original Gameboy with Tetris. It’s fully functional and for the record – I still think it’s the best game ever. The music is just as awesome as I remember. Oh and I still kick ass. I also found a few old sketch books. Funny to see how my doodles have evolved some. Not much but some. And even how Soph and I are into drawing the same things at similar ages.
I also came across some of my poems. Like from almost 20 years ago. 😲 Woah. Let me just say. Y’all think I’m a head case now?! You don’t even know the half of it. Some of that shit was dark and some of it was just straight crazy. I might get brave and share a few. Might. Crazy to take a small peek back at life before bills, responsibilities, motherhood, etc. You know when we were young, carefree and well rested. Feels like an entirely different universe…
But setting up my own space has been really good for me. Liberating, insightful, cleansing…all the things. And I’m learning about myself. It seems in the years past, I’ve manage to lose myself. And worst of all, I didn’t even know it till recently. How does that even happen?! Who does that to themselves? Sigh. But I digress.
Now, I’m working on finding me all over again. It’s all a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.
Everything she touches dies
Life with her is not sustainable, that’s no surprise
She’s completely toxic
All things with her are catastrophic
She leaves destruction in her path
Sadness, anger, dissatisfaction always part of the aftermath
Honestly, poison would be a better option
At least you could take some sort of precaution
Approach at your own risk, you’ve been warned
So when she ruins you too, don’t act all misinformed
I have a doctorate in loneliness
An education I recently acquiesced
Originally not a choice I made
But for my freedom it was the price I paid
Before I knew it the isolation took over
And I wasn’t ready for this level of overexposure
I didn’t know what this lesson in loneliness would require
Turns out it would be baptism by fire
Now, the silence no longer swallows me
Instead it knows all of my idiosyncrasies
I’m no longer uncomfortable here
Or scared if I stay too long I will disappear
Today, it’s okay if I’m alone
No longer need company on the telephone
Learning to embrace solitude was harder than I ever could have known
The culmination of all my studies, my capstone
For no one knows what tomorrow will bring
But I’m smarter, stronger now, ready for anything
You walked away a while ago
Threw your ring on the the floor
Stopped loving me
Hardly came home anymore
And it took me a long time to face facts
So many truths to uncover
That you had moved on
Fell in love with another
Now it’s time for you to leave
And you’re dragging your feet
Told me you wanted a divorce
Then took a back seat
I was more than patient with you
Ridiculously generous with time
You gave me your word
Clearly, it wasn’t worth a dime
And yes, it’s the end of what was
You could say it’s almost bittersweet
Learned a lot of lessons
One, I won’t live with a cheat
So it’s time for you to move out
I’ll help you pack
You chose this, remember
So there is no turning back
