Books are my sanctuary
Where things are imaginary

I fall into the pages
Into different worlds, places, and stages

I can lose myself in the prose
Where metaphors and similes are juxtaposed

I can be someone else for a while
Fight crime, wave a wand, live the Jones’ lifestyle

I’m free to travel near or far
Through fiction, fantasy, mystery or memoir

Books are my safety net
A place to escape all of life’s regrets

Doll in the Window

Doll in the window
The prettiest of everyone
She was desired by many
But only promised to one

Taken home and loved
For a while anyway
Then discarded without hesitation
One cold winter’s day

She’s broken now
Way beyond damaged
And far less pretty than before
Left tattered and bandaged

Doll in the window
Who someone no longer wanted
Will never again be loved
And left forever haunted

It’s fine

Sometimes life kicks you in the ass. Currently, it seems life is beating the actual shit out of me. *deepest of sighs* And the beating feels like it’s been going on forever. But I’ve gotten a few jabs in, here and there. And I’m figuring out how to hold my own. You know – stand on my own two feet. Slowly but surely.

All this to say – I’m going through some shit right now. And it’s hard and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing 99% of the time. I’m scared, upset, lonely, angry…all the emotions, all at once. But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.

And you might be going through something too. And I just wanted you to know – you’re not alone. You’re not the only one struggling to figure things out. You’re not the only one doubting yourself or questioning your next move. And you’re definitely not the only one having mini break downs or unable to get a hold of yourself. Nope. Not alone at all. And that’s okay. We will figure it out.

It’s fine. We are fine.

Chronicles of Cube World: The Aggressive Flosser

If you’re new here – I work in an office, with people who are….unique. I share my thoughts via the Twitter from time to time but sometimes I have a little more I need to say.

Today I would like to introduce you to the Aggressive Flosser. She is a special office person that her flosses her teeth several times a day in the ladies bathroom. And shares her flossing and dental health with you while you’re there. I would like the record to indicate that I would have kept her gender anonymous, however, our encounters have only been in the bathroom so….. *shrugs*

The first time we met in the restroom, the Aggressive Flosser was at the sink doing her thing. I came into the bathroom to do my thing. *Ahem* When I went to wash my hands, like all civilized people should do, she proceeded to give me her dental history. She explained to me that the reason she was flossing was because her teeth are rotting. I’m sorry, WHAT!? Yes, her teeth are rotting. Gurl, we have dental coverage here – why did you let this happen? Then…. SHE LEANED OVER TO SHOW ME. *insert Sarah face here* I stepped back, waaaay the fuck back. It took every fiber of being to not gag right in her face. I did the polite uh huh, okay and left. Why do people feel the need to over share? G R O S S.

Our next encounter was even more awkward. Again, I walked in and she was flossing. There were others in the restroom too, so I naively thought this meant she would leave me alone. She proceeded to talk while I was in the stall and asked, “Do your gums ever bleed when you floss? Happens to me all the time.” I thought she must have been speaking to someone else. Surely she wasn’t speaking to me. I am doing my business. When I went to go wash my hands, she repeated herself and gave me a look like how rude of me to not answer her. And I was like are you talking to me? and she was all like, “Well of course who else would I be speaking to?” I’m not exactly known for hiding my feelings so I’m sure my face said it all. I said something along the lines of oh, my mistake and left in a hurry.

First of all – there is not a co-worker on planet earth that is close enough with me that we can chat while my ass is on the pot. Period. Second, I don’t know this woman from Adam and she thinks we can chat it up in the bathroom?! GTFOH with that shit!!! Third, the bathroom is not a place for a social event. And lastly and most importantly, I hate people. Leave me the fuck alone to pee and wash my hands.

Most recently – we had a team dinner at Firebirds because a colleague was in town from across the pond. We were all gabbing about office life and all of sudden my cube mate – who we will just call K goes, “OMG there is a lady in the office who obsessively flosses and she freaks me out.” See it’s not just me, you guys.

This woman terrifies me with her dedication to dental hygiene. She flosses in the office as a minimum of three times a day. And also her rotting teeth, which she likes to share with people. Bro, keep that to yourself. We all have issues but we don’t need to share. I will admit – the last time I walked into the bathroom and she was there, I totally walked out like I forgot something and just held it for awhile till the coast was clear. Does that make me an awful person? Probably.

For all I know – she could be a delightful human being. But I’m not into making friends in the washroom. It’s not the time or place for social interactions. And also – I hate people.

Selfish reasons

Ever do something for selfish reasons? What if doing something will bring nothing positive or constructive to your situation but might make you feel a smidge better? Should you still do it?

I keep dreaming about it, in different settings, but always the same scenario. And before there is any response or outcome – I wake up. It’s completely and utterly cruel. I think this is my subconscious trying to tell me to confront my demons.

But it’s for selfish reasons. No good will come of it, so why bother? It won’t change the past and it certainly will not improve my future. SO WHY? It might make me feel better for a minute; give me some sort of brief relief. But it’s entirely temporary. The demon still exists despite confrontation.

I could end up with more demons in the long run. *deep sigh*

To be selfish or not to be selfish, that is the question.

Confessions – 10th ed. – Special edition!

If you’re new to these parts – I like to confess shit. Just say things that the bloggy-verse that I probably should say in actual confession [or to no one at all]. But you know – relieve the burden of carrying it around in my head. And I’m aging so I only have so much head space to spare.

This is a special confessions edition, specific on mental health since May was Mental Health Awareness Month. Yeah I’m late – but shit happens. And no I am not going to lecture you but rather confess some [very hard] truths about my mental health in hopes you might confess or face some hard truths about your own or someone you know. Regardless, know that it’s real, it can be very scary and very lonely and it should always be taken seriously.

So lets confess some shit…

  • I have chronic depression and anxiety disorder. And I am heavily medicated.
  • I have good days and bad days. Peaks and valleys.
  • My depression began in middle school (about 6th grade) and anxiety kicked into high gear in high school. I don’t recall anytime since then that I’ve not had either in my life.
  • In my family – mental health anything was frowned upon. You were depressed? You were supposed to get over it. You had anxiety? You were told to stop being anxious. Period.
  • I once went off my meds cold turkey. Serotonin withdrawal is awful. NOT RECOMMENDED.
  • My depression has taken many forms over the years. From nights planning my death and calling the Suicide Lifeline (1-800-273-8255, just in case you need it) to cutting, pill taking, hiding my home or just not being able to fully function.
  • My anxiety has also surfaced in many forms over the years. Panic attacks that would send me to the ER with a heart rate into the 180s+, blackouts where I’d wake up really disoriented and not know who/where/what the hell was going on for about 30 mins, dizziness, blurred vision, the shakes, and so on.
  • When Mike and I started dating- my panic attacks slowed down dramatically.
  • I have eczema and pick at it when I’m stressed or down or just want to hurt, to feel something. My arms are scared and most of the time I don’t care to show them.
  • I have two main outlets to deal with life – writing and reading.
  • I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood journals were destroyed by my mother (a post for another time). But I’ve always kept a journal and always will.
  • I read to escape into new places, take new adventures, solve new mysteries. To get out of my own head for a while. This is part of the reason I needed a library in my home.
  • Working out is starting to become a new outlet. SHOCKING FOR ME, I KNOW!!! But I think it’s because I pushing myself. I’m also in the renaissance!
  • Sometimes I’m entirely nonfunctional. I feel like an awful human being. And I hate that my kid is now old enough know something is wrong.
  • I’ve found some comfort in other people who understand. I often seek refuge in the words of Jenny Lawson, my favorite blogger and author. She gets that’s depression lies and darkness is real. She saves me.

These are my [mental health] confessions.