Feelings

In my feelings
Drowning in all the things I’ve been concealing

Stuck in my head
Wishing I was anywhere else instead

But I’m trapped in this awfully dark place
Full of thoughts I can’t erase

They consume my everything
Dragging me along like a plaything

It’s here I analyze and overthink
It’s very clear why I see a shrink

Hoping maybe someone will take notice
But on their own lives they are focused

These thoughts don’t make me special or unique
Merely sleep deprived and weak

I’ll resurface eventually, it’s fine
In the meantime, suck it up kid and don’t whine

From the Vault: Until the End of Time

(Written on October 12th, 2004)

I value what we have
With everything I am
Granted it’s only been a few months
But all I can say is DAMN
I need you in my life
Something stable to lean on
Things would be very shaky
If you were ever gone
You know more about me
Than I would ever care to share
With absolutely anyone else
They don’t even begin to compare
No doubt about it
You are a phenomenal friend
I plan on sticking through it all
Until the very end
No matter what we face
I think we can handle it together
You by me and me by you
A strong team forever

Unfiltered

Unusual to find a picture of just me
Never confident enough to for people to see
Filters used to make all the corrections
Important to fix my many imperfections
Longing to feel comfortable in my own skin
To feel beautiful on the outside and deep within
Everyday seeking some form of approval
Realizing slowly that self love is more crucial
Eventually I’ll show just me, bit by bit
Determined to be a girl that owns her own shit

Growing

I’m growing
Morphing and changing into a better version of me

Giving myself a chance knowing there is never a guarantee
Ready, finally, for this new chapter of my life
Over all the toxic people – cutting them out with a knife
Willfully hoping for good things and ready for new memories
I’m proud of how far I’ve come – made sure to sage away bad energies
Nothing about this has been easy – anxious, emotions overflowing
Going to just take it one day at a time and keep on glowing

Confessions – 13th ed.

Hi. Welcome to another edition of my confessions. It’s been a minute since I spilled my guts so this might be a longer list than usual.

If you’re new here – save yourself! I mean, welcome! I have a condition known as word vomit where I have a bad habit of speaking the truth. Too often. It’s side effects include bull shit intolerance and loss of friendships. Also, emotional eating and sudden death. But it’s fine. Anyway, every now and then I opt to just confess on Al Gore’s internet because why the hell not.

  • So I’m finding that a global pandemic is a solid excuse for canceling plans or having to reschedule appointments/meetings. They really cannot get mad at you.
  • I am an overthinking, over analyzing crazy bitch. Yes. I know this about myself and I do it anyway. Pretty sure it’s a form of self destruction.
  • Lyrics, like quotes, carry a lot of meaning for me.
  • I’m addicted to Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups and I hide them from my kid because while sharing is caring – that rule does not apply to mama’s chocolate. Haven’t had them? Go. Now. Go right now and get some. I can wait….
  • I’m low key jealous of those houses in the neighborhood that are perfectly gingerbreaded with Christmas lights. One day I’ll be independently wealthy and will just have extra money laying about to have this done for me. Until then, I will drive by in awe of other people’s perfectly lit homes. Nevermind. Who am I kidding? I will NEVER have hoards of money to spend on something like that. I guess I’ll just be forever butthurt.
  • Occasionally, it sounds like someone is walking on the second floor of the house when we are all downstairs. (I KNOW I KNOW – I SAGED AND EVERYTHING!!!!) It could be the wind since this house has drafty ass windows. But I have convinced myself that this is just my fairy godmother checking in. She’s a little thick, so she’s not as light in her feet.
  • I have over 150 items in my Amazon saved for later cart. It’s a problem.
  • For Thanksgiving this year – I found myself thankful for things like alone time, masks, my divorce, having particular people in my life this year….in addition to the usual stuff like family and good health.
  • There are at least three more tattoos in my future. And I’m super excited about it!
  • Holiday foods I cannot condone: whipped mashed potatoes (where the fuck are the lumps, yo?!), canned cranberry anything, stuffing or dressing (whatever you call it), eggnog (*gags*), and fruitcake (I would actually rather be put down).
  • I love the Amazon man. He’s essentially my boyfriend. He comes to see me regularly and he brings me things.
  • I am a sucker for a Buzzfeed list. “58 Fancy But Inexpensive Gifts For Everyone On Your List” or “3984 Things You Didn’t Know You Needed But Totally Do” or “38 Books to Read If You Loved Harry Potter” or “47 Things For the Geek In Your Life”…you get the idea. I’m the person who goes through them, the person who adds that shit to their wish list on Amazon, the person who is like,”shut the front door, I do need that.” This is like the virtual Target Dollar Bin for me.
  • Wrapping presents is a hobby of mine. You hate it? Totally fine. Bring me yours and I’ll wrap them for you. I LOVE TO WRAP!

These are my confessions.

Inked

I did a thing today
Finally got a tattoo
After years of being chicken
I decided to be a big girl and follow through

I got them for me and no one else
I didn’t want anyone knowing
This was personal, part of my journey
I couldn’t risk someone preventing me from going

I am so glad I did it
And I don’t care what people think or their response
My body, my decision
After all, this is Sarah’s Renaissance