At the end of relationships there all these emotions – hurt, sadness, betrayal, etc.. But then there are also the unspoken feelings. Depending on who you are – they could be relief or hope. But there can be feelings of rejection. The I-wasn’t-good-enough-for-them-so-they-left-or-found-someone-else feelings. And one that I feel is kind of overlooked – feeling unwanted.
Think about it for a moment. This person broke up with you, so naturally rejection makes sense. But deep down in your core you begin to feel ugly – from the inside out. Everything from your personality to your outward appearance you begin to question.
Why do I act like that? Why am I so stupid? Ew, why are you so fat – stop eating so much! What’s with your hair? Why are you ugly? God, I can’t stand to look at your face in the mirror!
After all – this person is leaving you, therefore you are flawed. Something is wrong with you. If you were smarter, thinner, prettier (more handsome), sexier, funnier….then maybe, just maybe they would still want to be with you, need you, love you. Right?
But they don’t. They don’t want you or love you or want anything to do with you…. (see where I’m going with this?)
It’s a downward spiral into the deepest, darkest corners of your psyche. And it fucks.you.up. It’s more than being unwanted…it’s this constant sense of being repulsive. You know that feeling when you’re about to throw up? The blood drains from your face and you can feel it coming and dry heave a bit. It’s like that but amplified and the trigger is you.
You hate all parts of yourself, suffer from self doubt, and over apologize for all the things. You’re lonely even when you’re not. You hide in plain sight. You’re anxious, scared, depressed, all the feelings and yet still feel completely numb. You hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. You can’t do anything right. You’re holding on by a thread…
It leaves you suffocating in total darkness.
And the longer the relationship, the more severe the pain. It cuts so deep, on a soul level and it’s hard to recover from. You soon make this near functional state your new normal and master the art of pretending to be okay.
To be honest, there are fewer things I have experienced that are worse and pushing out a kid wasn’t one of them. It’s dreadful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Not even the ex that broke me.
But with endings, there come new beginnings, right? Light at the end of the darkness. A period of revival, a renaissance.
Lately, I haven’t been able to journal. I just can’t. It’s as if the ability to just freely write has been taken away from me. My journal just sits there, collecting dust. But I can’t write. My thoughts don’t feel safe.
I have been writing here though. And oddly enough – it’s coming out in the form of poetry. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve written poetry since high school. I had a scary experience that left me all kinds of traumatized and so I wrote poetry about it. It’s how I coped. I suppose it makes a little bit of sense that I’ve been bitten by the poetry bug again. I’m going through a rather distressing phase and apparently that’s my poetry trigger. Who knew. *shrugs*
So apologies in advance for corny rhymes, awful phrasing and the jumbled mess that is my poetry.