Autumn

🍂It’s officially Autumn
Truly my thrive season
When I’m no longer at rock bottom

It’s when the leaves begin to turn
Mums are brought out🍃
And everything is warm shades of gold and auburn

The temperature begins to drop
The days of Birkenstocks and sweatshirts
🍁And lattes from your favorite coffee shop

It’s the time of apple picking and eating🍂
Everything pumpkin
And kids out trick-or-treating

When you sit by the bonfire and pass moonshine
🍃Tell hilarious stories with friends
And the s’mores made are always top of the line

Sweater weather is truly when I’m at my best
My peak season
When I’m just ridiculously happy and incredibly blessed🍁

Lonely

I‘m lonely
Missing that feeling of someone holding me closely

Listen, I’m very independent and capable
Oh what I would give, though, to find my true partner, with that bond, so unshakable
Needing them when I just can’t give it my all
Ever understanding of my long list of shortfalls
Looking around me, realizing this is merely a hopeless desire
Yet pleading with my maker nightly to help make this transpire

From the vault: Writing

(Written on June 25th, 2003)

It’s just this thing I do
With no effort at all
The words come so naturally
From my mind through my fingers they fall

I consider it an art
And hold my brush and paint
Then I step back and look
So beautiful and breathless, I faint

Every stroke is an emotion
Every color a feeling
From blazing fire and rage
To rain, flowers and healing

Writing, my life!

Sunshine

Sunshine
Warm, bright and pure
Often taken for granted
The solution, the remedy, the cure

Warmth
To my skin, heart and soul
Healing all the pain
From where life takes it’s toll

Bright
Shedding light on all my scars
Revealing the hurt I hide within
Setting me free, like a shuttle to the stars

Sunshine
That wonderful golden hue
The answer to all my troubles
Always there to see me through

Head Space

I’m on a path of self destruction
Depending on the damage there may not be reconstruction

You know that nasty head space
That makes you question why you were born in the first place

Yeah that’s exactly where I’m at
Here things are never in your favor or even tit-for-tat

So much pain and yet I constantly feel nothing
Trying hard to avoid old habits that leave scars and blood gushing

Day after day of going through the motion
Nights feeling empty and completely broken

Incapable of seeing beyond my own defects
Disgusting and inadequate, an absolute reject

Just wanting to feel anything, anything at all
Only to fail and curl up in a ball

But I’m fine, it’s fine, just another bad episode
Hopefully it won’t last long or I might self-implode

Space

I’ve been working on establishing my own space lately. Both figuratively and literally. Like really making it my own. I’ve been very deliberate in this process, as I’m in a renaissance. And I’m being choosy. In all things.

Lately I’ve been working on my home office (since apparently I’ll be working from home indefinitely) and I stumbled upon some of my old stuff. Found my original Gameboy with Tetris. It’s fully functional and for the record – I still think it’s the best game ever. The music is just as awesome as I remember. Oh and I still kick ass. I also found a few old sketch books. Funny to see how my doodles have evolved some. Not much but some. And even how Soph and I are into drawing the same things at similar ages.

I also came across some of my poems. Like from almost 20 years ago. 😲 Woah. Let me just say. Y’all think I’m a head case now?! You don’t even know the half of it. Some of that shit was dark and some of it was just straight crazy. I might get brave and share a few. Might. Crazy to take a small peek back at life before bills, responsibilities, motherhood, etc. You know when we were young, carefree and well rested. Feels like an entirely different universe…

But setting up my own space has been really good for me. Liberating, insightful, cleansing…all the things. And I’m learning about myself. It seems in the years past, I’ve manage to lose myself. And worst of all, I didn’t even know it till recently. How does that even happen?! Who does that to themselves? Sigh. But I digress.

Now, I’m working on finding me all over again. It’s all a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.