Confessions – 9th ed.

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Ever feel like you just need to get shit off your chest? Same. Here are some things I just have to say.

  • I sometimes wonder what I will be known for. Other than excellent curly hair – I don’t think it’s much.
  • I didn’t get the job I interviewed for, for nearly a month. I was sad, angry, I ate chocolate and got sick. And now I think I’m just numb.
  • Finding THE PERFECT phone case takes research and patience. And a lot of returning.
  • I’ve become a bit obsessed with cleaning things out of my house. The purge of trash is sooooo gratifying. I recently cleaned my Monica closet… (a post for another time).
  • I’m officially transitioning out of Scentsy. THE HORROR!!!!!!! I used to sell it so know that there are still things I love and warmers I will have forever (like my ‘Tis the Season one that counts down till Christmas) but lately the scents just having been what they used to be.
  • I splurged and bought myself a new iPhone (long overdue). And I LOVE LOVE LOVE my phone. But I have tremendous “mom guilt” over spending money on myself.
  • I’ve begun Christmas shopping already. In fact I bought my first present of the year in July. 🙂
  • We are experiencing a hormonal phase with my daughter that, honestly, I don’t know how to deal with. I don’t know how to parent her. I’m too nice, too firm, too loud. I can’t figure out the right parental cocktail. IT’S STRESSING ME OUT.
  • Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays. The only thing I enjoy are the Pumpkin Reese’s and watching Hocus Pocus. That’s it.
  • Image result for too much gifOn that same note – I am convinced only Dwight people {in my neighborhood?} actually decorate for Halloween. And some take it too far. I was driving to work the other day and noticed one house with a body wrapped in clear plastic hanging from their tree.
  • I don’t think grown ass kids should be allowed to Trick-or-Treat. And when they show up to my door asking for candy – NOT EVEN IN A COSTUME – I find them incredibly irritating.
  • We are expected to have a blustery Winter and I am HELLA EXCITED!
  • Totally disappointed in the new curly-haired emoji. I mean I’m glad I have it. Just wish I could express myself with other curly hair emojis too. What? Us curly-haired folks only get one look? RIDICULOUS.
  • How do you tell someone you love that you don’t want them to drive your kid anywhere ever again? Yeah. I don’t know either but I am going to have to soon and it’s going to be a shit conversation.
  • I’m binging ER on Hulu and it’s AMAZING. Best medical TV drama in the history of TV dramas. Grey’s people – don’t even start. I will fight you.

 

These are my confessions.

Anxiety

My anxiety is on the fritz. Like when when your children act up in public, my anxiety is not something I love to acknowledge. But we alllll know it’s happening (or it feels that way anyway). My not sure what my trigger was this time around but whatever it was – it’s been sticking around and I am not a fan. I’m leaning towards stress. I’m trying to focus on the things I can control and take it one task at a time. Yeah, I said task. I’m not even on the day level. Baby steps.

I don’t talk about my anxiety for a variety of reasons. Mainly because people give you this phony look like you are making the whole thing up, like it’s all in your head. And as much as I would love to play along – I don’t have time for bull shit.

Anxiety is very real for lots of people. And everyone is different so therefore their anxiety is too. 

My friend shared this online and it couldn’t be more accurate.

In the past – my anxiety has taken on many shapes and forms. In high school, it was panic attacks that would send my heart heart well above 180 and require a trip to the ER. My mother – a doctor herself – was of the “it’s all  in your head” tribe and couldn’t possibly understand how her daughter – a girl brought up in a well off, Christian home – could possibly have this problem. She did nothing but throw Bible versus at me and essentially told me to get out of my own head and not embarrass the family with my “foolishness.”

In college, my anxiety decided to party hard (even though I didn’t) sending me into panic attacks so taxing that I would black out (sometimes hurting myself in the process), wake up so confused and not know who/what/where I was for a solid 20+ minutes. It was terrifying. My best friend at the time, Katie, would constantly write her name and number on my hand in Sharpie so that when I woke up confused I knew to call her and she would explain.

When I was pregnant I was SO WORRIED about having panic attacks and depriving the baby of oxygen. I had sleepless nights my first trimester. Then when I got over that hump – I obsessively cleaned, cooked and nested to keep busy. And I was an emotional disaster. Countless times Mike caught me crying over nothing – brushing my teeth, baking cookies, folding laundry. Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad, sometimes tears for no reason at all. I attribute that phase to angst about entering motherhood. I mean it’s not like they give you this magical guide to not fucking up your kid when you push them out at the hospital. You know?

At the present, my anxiety is a bit unpredictable but far more tame. I thank Mike for that. He grounded me and while all of the anxiety didn’t go away – the scary stuff did. Your partner should always bring out the good in you, help you grow, heal, flourish. Mike helped wipe away a lot of my fears and worries, kept me calm and encouraged me. And certainly didn’t mock my pain and anxiousness. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for better. I’m so lucky. Not all spouses get it.

But for now – it appears my anxiety is here to stay. So it’s one task at a time. I just have to stay focused and

just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

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