Tweenaging. Yeah it’s a verb and it’s not just a phase or “kids going through puberty.” It’s a mother fucking affliction. Especially for the parents.

My daughter is currently tweenaging and it’s a nightmare. False. It’s worse than a nightmare. Everyday it’s something new. Not good new like YAY I get new shoes! Bad new like you found gray hairs or stepped on a lego and have reached a whole new level of pain. It can be a new mood, an emotional breakdown about something new, a new fad, a new favorite color, a new found dislike, a new BFF or a new girl who is being a bitch. Or my favorite – a new attitude problem. Honestly – I’m pretty sure this is what it’s like to be living in the Upside Down. It’s bizarre and completely unknown. I JUST CANNOT ANY MORE. 

This. This right here – tweenaging – is why parents go crazy. I thought the 3’s were bad. WRONG. The tweens are bad! I’m one eye roll or door slam away from emailing my doctor and asking her to up my meds for my own sanity. And the worst is yet to come. Shark week isn’t even upon us yet. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HELL FIRE THAT WILL RAIN WHEN IT DOES????? Oh sweet Lord Baby Jesus. If you aren’t the praying type now but you have a cute little bundle of joy…. just wait. You will be. And children are mean. Notice in scary movies they make the creepiest, demon possessed characters children? It’s for a reason. They are evil. To one another, to their family and definitely to their parents. It may not be intentional but goddamn. Their words can catch you so off guard and cut you so deep.

Today alone the tween affliction has graced us with:

• Talking back about not letting her go to a stranger’s home. {Sorry – if I don’t know them you aren’t going to their house to “hangout”. Lame, I know.}
• Attitude when I asked her to put away something she borrowed from me. 
• Mumbling and “you are so mean” blah blah blah because I told her she needed to keep her phone on her at all times. BACK STORY: My Dad was picking her up for gymnastics and we both called her 2938 time and she didn’t answer. We were concerned for her when she didn’t answer or come out to be picked up. {How mean of me to be concerned about her safety!}
• Yelling because her chrome cast software updated and “looks different” (but is working totally fine) and she doesn’t like it.
• A melt down because her “life is so hard and stressful” with no known root cause of said melt down. {Insert massive eye roll here}

All in less 12 hours. She’s a joy, isn’t she?

We went to Gatlinburg this past weekend. I did my best to say yes as often as possible as we were on vacation and things are supposed to be a little more carefree. She went to fun places, got to do fun stuff, ate all the crap she wanted, I bought her stuff… you get the idea. On the last night she asked me to bring her our hair stuff from my cottage (I stayed in the in-law cottage out back) and I said she could come with me to get it since I was going there for the night. I got a, “Can’t you just help me out for once?!” It’s amazing someone in my family didn’t have to bail me out of the Gatlinburg jail, y’all. I told her ass to put on shoes and come with me to get the hair stuff she needed. Oh and you best believe for that 100 foot walk to my cottage I read her to riot act! Reminded her that I have more than helped her – I gave her ungrateful ass LIFE! Rude.

Honestly, I don’t know how people survive more than one child. They deserve medals of honor. This one might kill me. If I make it out a live – I might write a book about surviving this period (pun intended) of her life.