Haunted

Recently, I heard Katrina Kittle – another favorite of mine – speak about her reasons to be happy and how we can’t function when our life cup is perpetually empty. That it’s our responsibility to take time to fill that cup. Writing fills my cup. I love to write – both on my blog and journal. I used to journal ALL THE TIME. But when I was younger that was ruined for me…

I have foreign parents. And as if the language and cultural barrier weren’t enough – they had me a little later than planned so they are 40+ years my senior. My mother and I particularly didn’t get a long. It’s as if we were on different planets all together. During my teenage years especially she just assumed she knew everything. However, that’s neither here nor there. The past makes us who we are. Right?

One faithful day I came home from school – I believe I was a sophomore in high school at the time – and walked in to see bags and bags full of shredded paper. For a moment – I didn’t really think much of it. It wasn’t until I noticed the cover of my favorite butterfly journal that I realized what I was looking at. They were my journals!!! Seven years worth of journals – twelve complete journals to be exact – all shredded up into nothing. From that day on journaling was hard for me. It didn’t feel safe anymore. Since then I’ve tried to get back into the habit but there is this constant underlying fear that I will lose it all over again. Since then – I’ve managed to write sporadically. But it dawned on me today that enough is enough. I have to stop letting the past haunt me and lay it to rest. My past is full of other horrible things that I have managed to overcome but this… this is still hanging around.

Not anymore.

Sidebar: This also might be why I have subconsciously broken nearly every paper shredder I have ever owned.

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