I’m happy. But I’m broken. My brain is broken. It’s telling me I’m not happy, that I am not okay. Because that is what depression does. Depression lies. It tells you awful things and then convinces you they are facts. It makes you see and feel things that are sometimes not there. It’s evil. And it’s best friend is anxiety. They show up uninvited and ruin everything. Trust me, I know. I’ve been bullied by them for decades.
Truthfully – I’m in a down cycle. Things are dark in my space right now. I’m unmotivated despite having all the lists of things to do and you guys know I know love lists. My face is a leaky mess of tears and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m lethargic and could sleep for days if it was allowed. I get up and attempt to go through the motions because I’m a single mom and I have to. But I’m just blah. If that makes sense.
Over the years I’ve learned a lot of things about dealing with my depression and anxiety. I’ve learned to watch for signs in myself that things are taking a turn for the worse. It’s taken me a long time to recognize those things but being able to know now what they look and feel like has helped a lot. This time around my therapist has me trying something new. I think the gist is around writing out my emotions – anger, fear, guilt and sadness – and seeing how they relate to anything unresolved. Then finding any unreasonable expectations I may have for myself and flipping that expectation around. I’ll report back on my thoughts.
I’ve been in dark valleys before but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I never know how long they will last or how hard they will be to get through. I’m just focused on the things I do know to be true.
This is temporary. You’ve lived through this before and you will make it through this again.
There is light on the other side.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Give yourself grace.
You are so loved.
The other night I was reading in bed – that’s what us bibliophiles do – and I came across something that at that very moment I needed. I’m reading Broken (in the best way possible) by Jenny Lawson* and she was writing about tools that have helped her with her mental health and she said:
Forgive yourself. Forgiveness – something I never considered.
*Side note: Go out right now and buy all the Jenny Lawson books and read them. She’s amazing. She’s legit saved me. She’s my hero.
Hi. Hey. Hello there! And welcome to the first 2021 confessions post. I felt that since we are more than half way through the year I probably should confess some shit.
Newish here? Let me give you the skinny. I have this problem where I’m overly honest and tend to share my confessions publicly. It’s an issue and gets me in trouble sometimes. *shrugs*
Where do I begin…
I 1000% have a crush on Elliot Stabler in Law & Order: SVU and I could not wait for Law & Order: Organized Crime to start in April. And now it’s here and I’m just going to say it – he’s sixty and sexy and I would have his babies. Twice.
I love to create playlists…but I do not know how to make them an appropriate length. They just become hours upon hours worth of music. I need training.
I found my first gray hair (on my head *ahem*) and FREAKED OUT. Is this what happens at 35? I’m not ready.
At any given time, I have at least three bottles of my favorite non-dairy creamer on hand. It was out of stock one time and I am forever traumatized.
Yes I said non-dairy. I’m officially too much dairy destroys me but I eat it anyway and pay for it later years old.
Lately, I’ve caught myself emotionally eating. It’s not good. I need to do something constructive.
Yellow has always been my spirit color but lately I find that I need it more. It’s simply brings me happiness.
There is a serious lack of motivation happening right now in my life. Don’t get me wrong – I have a shit ton of work to get done but zero energy or desire to do any of it.
I’m cheating on my favorite yogurt. They don’t sell it at Kroger anymore. I can only get it from a local grocery store, so I grab a few when I run in there to get something (if I remember). I feel guilty. The other yogurt is okay.
My oldest pup – Alvin – is deaf now. When the vet confirmed this in his last appointment I sobbed like a baby. I know he will be okay but I was just sad for him. How scary was that? He was losing his hearing this whole time and I didn’t know. 😦
Vintage resellers on Instagram are my current kryptonite.
I’m sorry. For saying all the things. For oversharing my thoughts. For being in my feelings sometimes. For over communicating. For being too forward and too honest. For caring too much. For loving too hard. For wanting things that aren’t mine. For wishing things I’m unworthy of. For being stubborn. For being sassy. For giving my unsolicited opinion from time to time. For being indecisive. For being a total head case. For having anxiety and depression. For having this body and body image issues. For crying too easily. For playing with my hair too much. For having a foul mouth. For not being someone else. I’m sorry for just being me. I’m sorry.
I value what we have With everything I am Granted it’s only been a few months But all I can say is DAMN I need you in my life Something stable to lean on Things would be very shaky If you were ever gone You know more about me Than I would ever care to share With absolutely anyone else They don’t even begin to compare No doubt about it You are a phenomenal friend I plan on sticking through it all Until the very end No matter what we face I think we can handle it together You by me and me by you A strong team forever