Unfiltered

Unusual to find a picture of just me
Never confident enough to for people to see
Filters used to make all the corrections
Important to fix my many imperfections
Longing to feel comfortable in my own skin
To feel beautiful on the outside and deep within
Everyday seeking some form of approval
Realizing slowly that self love is more crucial
Eventually I’ll show just me, bit by bit
Determined to be a girl that owns her own shit

Growing

I’m growing
Morphing and changing into a better version of me

Giving myself a chance knowing there is never a guarantee
Ready, finally, for this new chapter of my life
Over all the toxic people – cutting them out with a knife
Willfully hoping for good things and ready for new memories
I’m proud of how far I’ve come – made sure to sage away bad energies
Nothing about this has been easy – anxious, emotions overflowing
Going to just take it one day at a time and keep on glowing

Confessions – 13th ed.

Hi. Welcome to another edition of my confessions. It’s been a minute since I spilled my guts so this might be a longer list than usual.

If you’re new here – save yourself! I mean, welcome! I have a condition known as word vomit where I have a bad habit of speaking the truth. Too often. It’s side effects include bull shit intolerance and loss of friendships. Also, emotional eating and sudden death. But it’s fine. Anyway, every now and then I opt to just confess on Al Gore’s internet because why the hell not.

  • So I’m finding that a global pandemic is a solid excuse for canceling plans or having to reschedule appointments/meetings. They really cannot get mad at you.
  • I am an overthinking, over analyzing crazy bitch. Yes. I know this about myself and I do it anyway. Pretty sure it’s a form of self destruction.
  • Lyrics, like quotes, carry a lot of meaning for me.
  • I’m addicted to Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups and I hide them from my kid because while sharing is caring – that rule does not apply to mama’s chocolate. Haven’t had them? Go. Now. Go right now and get some. I can wait….
  • I’m low key jealous of those houses in the neighborhood that are perfectly gingerbreaded with Christmas lights. One day I’ll be independently wealthy and will just have extra money laying about to have this done for me. Until then, I will drive by in awe of other people’s perfectly lit homes. Nevermind. Who am I kidding? I will NEVER have hoards of money to spend on something like that. I guess I’ll just be forever butthurt.
  • Occasionally, it sounds like someone is walking on the second floor of the house when we are all downstairs. (I KNOW I KNOW – I SAGED AND EVERYTHING!!!!) It could be the wind since this house has drafty ass windows. But I have convinced myself that this is just my fairy godmother checking in. She’s a little thick, so she’s not as light in her feet.
  • I have over 150 items in my Amazon saved for later cart. It’s a problem.
  • For Thanksgiving this year – I found myself thankful for things like alone time, masks, my divorce, having particular people in my life this year….in addition to the usual stuff like family and good health.
  • There are at least three more tattoos in my future. And I’m super excited about it!
  • Holiday foods I cannot condone: whipped mashed potatoes (where the fuck are the lumps, yo?!), canned cranberry anything, stuffing or dressing (whatever you call it), eggnog (*gags*), and fruitcake (I would actually rather be put down).
  • I love the Amazon man. He’s essentially my boyfriend. He comes to see me regularly and he brings me things.
  • I am a sucker for a Buzzfeed list. “58 Fancy But Inexpensive Gifts For Everyone On Your List” or “3984 Things You Didn’t Know You Needed But Totally Do” or “38 Books to Read If You Loved Harry Potter” or “47 Things For the Geek In Your Life”…you get the idea. I’m the person who goes through them, the person who adds that shit to their wish list on Amazon, the person who is like,”shut the front door, I do need that.” This is like the virtual Target Dollar Bin for me.
  • Wrapping presents is a hobby of mine. You hate it? Totally fine. Bring me yours and I’ll wrap them for you. I LOVE TO WRAP!

These are my confessions.

Inked

I did a thing today
Finally got a tattoo
After years of being chicken
I decided to be a big girl and follow through

I got them for me and no one else
I didn’t want anyone knowing
This was personal, part of my journey
I couldn’t risk someone preventing me from going

I am so glad I did it
And I don’t care what people think or their response
My body, my decision
After all, this is Sarah’s Renaissance

Small – Part II

You still try to make me feel small
Every time you show up, text or call

Thinking you can tell me what to do
But I no longer have to listen to you

You say things to mess with my head
Act like you never heard the words that I said

I continue to try and remain polite
But you’re conniving and always picking a fight

You have no respect for my home or my things
Always trying to push my buttons and pull my strings

You’re no different than a school yard bully
Except I stupidly thought you were an adult and could act maturely

But I won’t tolerate it anymore
I kicked you out and changed the locks on the door

I will no longer be made to feel small
I might be short in stature but I still stand tall

Divorced

I’m officially divorced
A statement I can finally say with no remorse

It took me a while to get here
A rollercoaster of emotions – anger, sadness, denial, acceptance, and fear

And though not my choice when this all began
I decided to see this through and make a plan

After all the heartbreak, headaches and hell
I’m free, all of me, down to my last blood cell

I’m not dying so there is no need to pity or to call and inquire
This chapter is finished, I’m lighting that shit up and having a bonfire

I’m fine, in fact I’m better than okay
Today I got divorced, this is my liberation day